Star Whores: Padmé Theory Makes Star Wars Prequels Watchable Again!

They say in Hollywood that three's a crowd, but do the same rules apply in space? George Lucas's Star Wars prequels may live in the shadow of their predecessors, but a new love triangle theory makes the whole saga more watchable again. Grab your popcorn, get Jerry Springer on speed dial, and prepare the Cheaters production team because you'll need 'em for this one — was Padmé Amidala secretly showing Obi-Wan Kenobi her Naboobs the entire time?

Thanks to HitFix for spotting this subtext, but safe to say, this new theory makes Padmé out as a bit of a cocktease. It is of course no reflection on Natalie Portman herself, who is a wonderful actress. The theory ignores the apparent age differences in characters from The Phantom Menace, and we pick up the story with Attack of the Clones.

Attack of the Bones

The comic books flesh out Anakin's Jedi journey a little longer, but for the sake of the films it was 10 years since "Anidala" was last shipped. Unlike Anakin, there is (currently) no canonical evidence to where Obi-Wan was in that missing decade, but being that high up in the Jedi Council, he would have crossed paths with the senator at some point. When Padmé comes under attack, it isn't lil' Anakin who makes a daring jump out into the sky of Coruscant, it's Obi-Wan. A hero doing his duty, or a lover protecting his woman? Padmé then returns the favor in that brave escape from the fighting pits.

As the trio find themselves in peril on Genosis, Padmé seems to forget her earlier kiss with Anakin, then places her hand firmly on Obi's thigh. "Is that a lightsaber in your pocket, or are you pleased to see me?" Perhaps it is the way his long Jedi hair flows in slow motion that drew her to him, but you have to admit that the thigh/hand scene is something that once you see you can never un-see!

Revenge is a Sith best served cold.

Taking all this as gospel, then imagine that by the time we get to Episode III the pair have been sneaking around for years behind Anakin's back. See Revenge as a whole film of Anakin being turned to the dark side by his adulterous lover. Remember the tantrum he throws when seeing a vision of Padmé dying in childbirth? His rage is aimed at the fact that it is Obi-Wan by her side and not him. Padmé tentatively questions whether Obi-Wan survived the mass murder of Order 66, greeted by Anakin's "don't know, don't care" attitude. Also, when Padmé uses the old "I love you" line it doesn't work on Anakin — he goes immediately to Darth strangle mode. Their sordid affair has been exposed! She inadvertently brought her new lover to finish Anakin off for good in an Days Of Our Lives style showdown — as Anakin questions:

"You're with him?"

To quote Chicago, "You've been screwing the milkman!"

In A Galaxy Far, Far A-Gay

So, are you are an Anidala or a Obidala shipper? Personally, I ain't buying the whole Obi/Padmé thing and have my own theory. Those come to bed eyes, late night chats, and those many years together in the wilderness of space. In the modern world of open relationships I think Obi-Wan is looking a whole different type of love triangle. A deleted scene from Episode II shows that maybe Obi had more feelings for Anakin than he cares to admit, and brings a whole new light to Obi-Wan's "chosen one" spiel:

As they say, bros before hoes. This does mean that Obi-Wan was effectively grooming Anakin, and looking at a young Jake Lloyd from Episode I, that is just wrong. If Obi-Wan really did love his apprentice, at least they got to cross swords one more time in A New Hope!

The first three films can be a bit of a slog, mired in political debates and senate meetings, but the rich subtext of an affair with the galaxy's most evil overlord is living life on the edge for both Padmé and Obi-Wan. No wonder Obi went and hid in the mountains for so long. After reading the theory, it does actually make sense, but asks why would Padmé even bother with Anakin then? Maybe she was just a bit of a dick?