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Cave Man Versus Condo Man

What a difference time makes.

Photo by Tim Foster on Unsplash

One day, I quickly left the house, got all the way to my destination, and then immediately returned home...because I forgot my cell phone. On the way back to my original destination, I remember saying to myself:

"Wow! I can't believe that I forgot to bring my cell phone. I really need it today."

It got me thinking. In our modern lifestyle, the cell phone (among other things) pretty much permeates our lives. How did man (and woman) ever get by in life without the modern stuff that we already take for granted?Let's see what they may have done.

1. Man

As far as we know, the caveman lived a very simple life; as simple as can be, by anyone's standards. He was pretty much concerned with just two things: eating and surviving. From top to bottom, he was natural. For example, he wore his hair long. Why? Because there were no barbers back then. He never shaved or even bathed. He wasn't concerned with any designer clothes. In fact, his clothes were designed by the animals that wore them before he killed them for his meal. He had to fashion some footwear because I am sure that his toes suffered much frostbite. Dare I mention that he probably did not have any skivvies underneath his animal line of clothing? He was the hunter who took care of his woman. He hunted and she cooked.

Modern man (the condominium man or condo man) has everything and can't do without anything. He wakes up, showers, dons some fancy cologne, eats breakfast, and then goes out to work. On the way out to work, depending on the kind of work he does, he grabs his cell phone and hops into his car. He is clean shaven and probably wears an expensive suit.

One advantage that caveman has over the modern man is the fact that cavemen did not have to worry about street gangs because there were no streets. It didn't matter what colors were worn. The only danger cavemen faced were the animals that wanted to kill or eat him. There was no gun control back then because there were no guns.

Caveman walked to work, which turned out to be wherever he had to go to get food or kill animals to get clothing. He did not have a boss or worry about bringing home a paycheck, either. He did not even have to worry about taxes. Life was so simple back then.

2. Dating

Caveman had it made. He did not have to impress the woman. He looked for a mate and brought her home. Once there, she cooked while he hunted. He wore what he had in his limited collection of animal clothes and that was it. Once he met the cave-woman of his dreams, this is what the conversation was like:

Him: Grrrrrr!

Her: Grrrrr!

Him: Grrrrrrrrrrrr

Her: Grrrrrrrrrr!


That was all there was to it. He brought her to his cave and I think that you can figure out what may have happened next. My only question concerns what they had to do AFTER the kids arrived. They seriously did not have any privacy. That's for sure.

Modern man has the internet, laundromats, bars, and all other ways to meet a mate. Once that is done, he is able to freshen up, dress up, and ride in luxury just to impress the ladies. Even his conversation is carried out with easily discernible syllables so that the lady could be impressed by his educational level, no matter how much schooling he has. What is the typical conversation like? Here is a sample from some poor ole schlub's recent encounter with a very beautiful lady:

Schlub: Hi! My name is Maurice!

Lady: What do you want?

Schlub: I was hoping to take you out for a nice brunch one day.

Lady: Are you kidding? Sorry. I'm busy that day.

Schlub: But I did not tell you which day.

Lady: It doesn't matter. I will be busy that day.

Schlub: Okay. Thanks. Have a nice day.

Lady: When you leave, I will. Bye.

I felt very sorry for the poor bum. In any case, let's move on from this topic.

3. Transportation

Mr. Caveman had a reliable means of transportation. They were called his FEET. He had to use them to get anywhere and everywhere. There was no such thing as flat tires and no gas. If he wanted to go somewhere, he took to the walking. He probably put in more miles by walking than I ever did by driving. I am sure that it was during his many journeys that the shoe (or sandal) was invented. Talk about "Feet, don't fail me now." I am quite sure that the cave man said this even though he had no word for "feet."

Modern man has MANY means of transportation. He has his car, bike, motorcycle, moped (for those who want to get away from a ten-speed bike, but are still too afraid to step up to a Harley-Davidson or some other awesome two-wheeled machine of that caliber) or a jet if he feels that he is THAT rich. Me? I drive a 1992 Jeep. It gets me everywhere I want to be in life. Ladies love it when you can supply your own transportation. I remember one day when a lady asked me if I had a way of picking her up for a date. I assured her that I did. I told her that I utilize a machine that cost in excess of $100,000. She was so excited! I told her where to meet me. She told me that it sounds like a bus stop. How right she was. Date over before it ever started.Then again, I am a modern man.

4. Money

Caveman had NO money. In fact, there were no stores, online stores, car dealerships or anything else that required cold, hard cash. He had no credit or debit cards to worry about. In fact, if you were able to check, EVERYBODY had an excellent credit score. There were probably NO robberies and stuff. Crimes were settled without police, lawyers, courts and jails. They REALLY settled things the old fashioned way. They used their fists.Problem started; problem ended.

Modern man needs all of this to survive. Money is hard to come by. Apparently, everybody is impressed with a modern man who has money or is able to legally get money. I will not lie to you. I am truly impressed by Bill Gates. Here is a guy who has BILLIONS in the bank account. I am just not certain if he plays the Powerball lottery. Even if he won one, it would be like a poor man like me winning a $5 bill from a scratch-off ticket. To be very apologetic, there are MANY nice ladies who are not driven by the love of money and/or guys who have a lot of money. So, I just want to make sure that I don't offend all the ladies who are reading this. I just want to offend those who refused to date me because I only had expensive lint in my pocket.

5. Domiciles

The caveman is the ONLY person who can say that he created the MAN CAVE. He had the original man cave. He needed no stereo or big screen TV like the modern man does. He wasn't looking at the Superbowl or the World Series. He was content living in his cave. His cave was probably quiet and satisfied his every need. He had no heating or plumbing, but he was happy. He paid no rent or any taxes on it. If anyone tried to take over his man cave, I am sure that he defended it well. He had no address to remember and he never dealt with lost mail because there was no mail service anyway. There wasn't even any noisy music coming outta the neighbor's cave. Then again, there was no music either although I am sure that Keith Richards may have lived in his neighborhood somewhere.

Modern man, for some reason, wants whatever he can get for his buck when it comes to a man cave. Then, even after he furnishes it, he needs to show it off to all of his friends. He needs the above items and then throws a party to show it off. Of course, he gets to complain when his friends leave it in a mess. There is the garbage everywhere, broken items and, for some strange reason, vomit on the floor somewhere. There is even a friend who slept somewhere in the place because he (or she) was too drunk to put his (or her) shoes on and WALK home. If you want a modern man cave, you must take what comes with it.

In closing, it looks like the cave man had the answers all along. We just didn't realize it until now. You go, cave man!!!!

Photo by Arnold Exconde on Unsplash

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