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Have you ever been consumed by a heaviness, a darkness, an inability to see the forest for the trees? Did it leave you feeling lost and forgetting where you were headed in the first place? This is spiritual depression. It’s an existential crisis that often foretells an awakening. What follows is a shedding of layers, a release of unneeded habits, emotions, and even people. When you are this lost, this confused, this sensitive, you feel that there is no lower you can go. And, when you’re raw—and you will be—you’re ready to be healed of old traumas. Coming through this “dark night of the soul” will bring about new spiritual understandings. This spiritual understanding can only be achieved after, and because, you’ve faced the darkness head-on.
I started this next article in my "Dirty Little Secret" series several times. Each time it became darker, deeper, and scarier. I was growing deeply troubled because I couldn’t get what I perceived as an important message out. Finally, it dawned on me. I needed to document this journey. This struggle and this monumental spiritual cleansing would best be reported chronologically as I processed what it actually means to follow my path.
Gaining Perspective 1/5/19
“I need help. I’m so confused and can’t see my way forward. All the voices in my head have me twisted.”
I finally understood that I needed an external point of view, someone to help me sort through the mixed messages I’ve received regarding ET contact. Are they dangerous, scary creatures we should fear? Are they trying to learn and adapt in order to contact us in harmless ways? Are they trying to save the planet by showing us what could happen if we don’t change our ways? Are they stealing our babies? Are they creating a new race of beings? What is their agenda? Do they have the human race’s best interest at heart? How can I rectify the apparent conflict between the peaceful messages and the traumatic abductions that I and so many have experienced?
A Facebook acquaintance advertised open spaces for star people readings. I knew this was my chance to gain a better perspective. I told her, “I don’t know what they want from me.” I gave her a run down on my hamster wheel thinking, and she asked me the central question:
“Who are they?”
“But that’s just it,” I told her. “I don’t know!”
“Have you had interactions with the Greys?”
“Are the beings who created the trauma the same people who are asking you to heal?”
If I was a cartoon, a lightbulb would have flashed on above my head. It was with that question that I knew. “I have had interactions with the Greys, but that’s not where I’m getting this information from.”
“You need to remember that from here on out,” she said.
The relief was immediate. The double bind, or no-win-situation I was feeling disintegrated. I was able to let down my defenses. I was no longer screaming at the universe, “What the hell are you trying to shove down my throat?”
I understood that I had to release the pain and trauma to tell the story accurately. Here’s a simple example: A young child is bitten by a dog because he pulls its tail. The dog whips around and gets the little boy right on the cheek. The boy screams. His parents clean him up and comfort him. They do nothing about the fact that now he’s terrified of dogs. Any time he sees a dog, he becomes anxious, his breathing changes, and he feels he has to run. Dogs pick up on fear and feel threatened. They growl or bark which reinforces his fear. He may teach his children that dogs are dangerous. His fear will become the truth of future generations, even though it isn’t true at all.
If his parents had taken the time to work with him, to show him how to respect dogs, and how to approach them safely, he could have avoided the unnecessary fear. He might have enjoyed dogs as a part of his life. It was only through full self-ownership in the trauma, and full understanding of what happened, that he would ever be able to tell his story or interact with dogs in the future.
I’ve been traumatized as a child by some very scary experiences. I saw a creature that was like nothing I had ever seen before. I can’t bring it fully to mind still because of how freaked out I was. I have been taken against my will and treated like a test subject, like a specimen. I’ve had bruises, some as recently as this past week, that show my continued struggle with these beings.
This untreated trauma has clouded my truth. Through it all, I’ve fought to understand the messages that come through contact, visions, and dreams. But, now I’m starting to pick the story-lines apart. There are more facets to this truth than I realized.
I no longer question the healing voices of hope, peace, and love. I know that the messages are true and important. They speak of the importance of taking care of myself. I have struggled with that my entire adult life. They speak of taking care of the planet. They speak of love and peace between all humankind. These are important messages. I will spread them, knowing they are of utmost importance for our planet and us as a species.
The Other Shoe Drops 2/11/2019
Quickly scribbled in my notebook: “The fear hasn’t stopped. I’m having daily panic attacks. I do see there is a difference now. There’s a distinction between the different beings. They don’t all have the same agenda.”
It seems that the more I understand the more difficult it is to maintain my psychological and physical health. My levels of anxiety and stress have never been this bad. I feel like my world is collapsing around my shoulders. People usually come to me for spiritual and paranormal advice, but I can’t tolerate anyone’s energy beyond my family. I’m too sensitive. I can’t seem to block out other people’s thoughts and emotions. My heart is pounding, nearly fluttering in my chest. I can’t breathe. I feel like I am crawling out of my own skin. Any unexpected sound startles me. I can no longer sleep. I am afraid of the dark. These have shifted to chest and arm pains, numbness crawling towards my fingers. I have had to isolate myself until I can get this crisis state under control. I am in lockdown.
Facing Myself 2/24/2019
I’ve been in a battle. A battle within myself. A war raging between what I know is truth and my fear of that truth. This conflict between my heart and my mind has caused chaos with the rest of my body. I’ve been suffering terrible headaches. I am in a constant state of anxiety and am deep in depression, all because my head and my heart refuse to communicate.
My heart knows why I came here, was born at this time, my mission, and my purpose. My mind is terrified, it needs all of this to make sense. It’s been traumatized by the very thing I have to focus on and work with others on. I am here to help people who have been traumatized by alien contact. I am to help them learn to come to terms with their purposes here. My mind asks why I would want to go over, and over, and over these painful moments on purpose.
My heart knows that it’s because that’s why I’m here, now.
So, my mind sabotages my purpose. It overrides my ability to take care of myself through manipulation. It makes me crave all the foods that make and keep me sick, especially my heart. My heart can’t handle this onslaught of inflammation. My blood pressure is out of control and I’m doing my best to stay out of the ER. My mind plays dirty. It’s dropped the depression bomb which further constrains my ability to care for myself.
I can’t stop my life’s purpose. I have to accomplish my goals. I get regular physical and mental health checkups and I’m taking medicines to help with my blood pressure, depression and the effects of PTSD.
During this shift from self-sabotage to balance, I’m seeing signs all around. Memes on Facebook are telling me not to give up, to live my truth and more. Meditations have helped me to see that I’m at a crossroads and need to go within before I can help others. And then there was the dream. I always pay close attention to my dreams.
It always seems to be the dream right before waking in the morning that leaves the biggest impression. Maybe that’s because it’s the easiest to remember. No matter the reason, I knew the dream I had this morning was significant. I was with my parents and they were giving me a very important gift. I don’t remember what the gift was, and maybe that is insignificant. What I do remember, is that they decided to split the cost. My mother paid $81, and my father paid 29. Those numbers had nothing to do with fairness. Numbers, in my world, have specific meanings.
When a number stands out for me, I make sure to look up its spiritual meaning. For example, I ordered graduation announcements for my daughter and I. She was graduating from high school as I was graduating with a master’s degree. The total came out as $48.48. That caught my attention and I decided to look it up. 4848 represents manifesting abundance, that you are supported, that it is time to recognize opportunities, make new connections, and find the confidence to follow your own heart. This makes sense for two people facing the next stage of life after finishing a round of schooling.
In breaking down the dream I asked, “What was the gift my mother gave me?” I looked up 81. The number 81 is a call to release the old and out-worn in life, to look for new beginnings and new opportunities which promise abundance, achievement, and success. It’s also a reminder to stay positive and make sure you keep your mind focused on gratitude.
My father’s gift to me, 29, represents trusting your own abilities when it comes to following your soul’s purpose. This is a call to serving others with humility and caring. It tells you that you are a light worker on a divine path to serve all humanity.
The sum of the numbers from my parents (81+29) is 110. This 110 then equals what my parents, together, have given to me. The number 110 means it’s important to use your personal skills, talents, and creativity in a more productive way. It’s important to know you are in alignment with your soul’s purpose. When looking at 110, it’s important to look at 11 and 2 which signify the ability to bring about your most important goals in life. There’s an irony here. My birthday is on November 2, 11/2. So, this literally is what my parents bestowed on me.
Light at the End of the Tunnel 2/26/2019
How many times do I have to be told that I have to eat right to protect my heart so that I can heal physically, emotionally, and spiritually? I ate so much food that was "off-limits" my blood pressure rose to an uncomfortable level again. And, again, this morning right before waking, I had another important dream. This time I was talking to someone, I suspect it was myself. We were talking about internal inflammation that’s being maintained by the food I’ve been eating. I know the consequences, and that inflammation keeps trauma close. It can’t be released if I have a death grip on it. They helped me to come to terms with the fact that I’m not powerless. I must stand up, be accountable, and make the changes I know I need to make to heal.
I don’t know what made me take this message so much to heart. Maybe it was that I was brought to see my own accountability here. I’m not a victim in my story. For the first time in four months, I ate only acceptable foods. This may only be day one, but it’s an important step into my future. I’m picking up my life’s purpose and wearing it as an important badge that I take seriously instead of cowering in the corner and refusing to acknowledge it. I know I’m a contact. I know I have to heal myself. Through that process, I can help others to heal as well. Then we can embrace the future, which will, I’m sure, include extraterrestrial and UFO disclosure as well as open contact. I’m here to help others come to grips with this reality.
Here’s to day number two.