Hong Kong 97

March 1997. The handover was fast approaching, and Hong Kong’s long history of British rule was coming to an abrupt end, for the worse or better? Who knows! Mainland China was itching to replace what they deemed colonialism with yet more colonialism. But China was more interested in Hong Kong being a key financial sector and they wanted and needed the wealth of the region so they could then claim to the world that communism was actually working in an era where the Russians had finally got bored, bottled it and embraced Capitalism once again (well they did kinda fuck it all up).

Governor Patten was having a very bad day. He was miserable at the fact that very soon he would have to go back to rain-soaked England and like every other retired politician he would have to take up some kind of job in education. Governor Patten sat in his office alone, looking out the window over what would soon no longer be his domain. He poured himself a glass of strong rice vodka and loosened his tie. Across the city, he could see Union Flags being taken down and replaced with the hideous new Hong Kong flag with the fuckin ugly yellow stars on a red background from the PRC. As a result of the impending return of sovereignty to the reds, thousands of them were now coming in from the mainland bringing crime, prostitution, drugs, and woman having babies to avoid the PRC’s one-child policy. “This is an invasion,” thought governor Patten. “What would have Churchill done?” He thought. “Wait. Churchill let Japan occupy this island. Bad example,” he realized. Patten took another sip of the vodka and then turned his attention to the fan which was giving some refreshingly cool air.

All of a sudden there was a heavy knock at the door. Patten couldn’t be bothered with anyone today as he felt like a hormonal teenage girl on her period, but he felt he had no other option but to answer. “Come in!” He shouted in walked Commissioner Hui of the Royal Hong Kong Police—Hong Kong’s last line of defence against the reds.

Patten turned to face Hui. “What do you want? This had better be quick,” Patten told him abruptly.

Hui looked at Patten pitifully. Hui knew that once Patten and all the Brits were gone that he’d probably be demoted. That was, however, unless his cunning plan succeeded.

“Governor Patten. A bunch of fuckin ugly Reds are streaming in from the mainland."

“That's your problem. I’m out of a job in a few months,” replied Patten.

"I'm going back to some dump in England, that's got 8-foot snow drifts, the sun never shines and where there's nothing to do but eat Scones and play cricket all day while my wife nags me about drinking too much."

Hui took off his glasses, cursed a few words in Cantonese, which Patten picked up as something about someone's Mother and the words fuck, Golden, and Penis.

Taking a deep breath, Hui said what was needed. "Hear me out, Governor Patten. I need your authorization for us to call upon Bruce Lee's relative Chin."

Governor Patten put down his drink and stood up, tightening his tie to look more respectable.

"Bruce Lee's relative?" He asked Hui inquisitively. "Do we know what relative and how is he just as skilled as Bruce Lee?"

"He's an unspecified relative sir," Hui replied. "He's even more skilled than Bruce Lee ever was. You don't fuck with Chin sir!"

Patten looked at his police chief now bewildered, but probably also a little bit drunk. He then looked at his portrait of the Queen which was displayed on the wall of his office and dreaded to think what he would tell her during the looming handover ceremony where he would be laughing stock across the whole world as the man who handed a country to the mercy of communism.

Hui realized Patten wasn't listening so angrily he slapped Patten on the cheek at full pelt. Patten reeled in shock and pain.

"What did you do that for you four-eyed twat!?" he shouted angrily.

Before Patten could say a word, Hui interrupted again. "Sir! I am proposing we call upon the unspecified relative of Bruce Lee; Chin to wipe out all 1.2 billion of the Red Communists and save Hong Kong."

Patten suddenly had a realization. If Hui's plan worked, then he could still hold onto Hong Kong and not have to face the public humiliation handing it back to the Reds.

"Where is Chin?" Asked Patten. Hui smiled cheek and triumph as he looked his leader in the eye.

Meanwhile, at a secret weapons testing Lab, the chief scientist of China—Han Fu Li stared intently into a large test-tube, a look of bewilderment and excitement. Li was almost finished on what would be his masterpiece —the ultimate weapon that would ensure Hong Kong stayed under the control of the fuckin ugly reds and made China the envy of the world.

Li had gotten the idea from a dream he had once had about imposing the will of the reds all over the world, and now his vision was almost complete. Complete at the cost practically the whole of China's treasury, hence why they were desperate to take back Hong Kong.

Li looked at his ultimate creation and smiled. In the lab, he ordered one of his scientists to pull a switch that would awaken the ultimate weapon that Li had spent tireless months on creating.

As the switch was pulled, the large test-tube began to drain and the eyes of the ultimate weapon begun to open.

Li had succeeded in his devious plan to turn former premiere; Tong Shau Ping into the ultimate weapon!

As the test-tube drained, Li's assistants looked on is disbelief that this crazy experiment had actually worked. But for some reason, Tong Shau Ping looked precisely like another former premier; Deng Xiaoping. Li's assistants were baffled by the appearance.

"Why does he look like Deng Xiaoping?" one of the assistants asked. Li looked at him and said. "I try to make him look like Mao, but I cannot. It was too difficult. Begin the first test."

Two of Li's assistants bought out a portrait of The Queen and placed it in front of their new weapon. Suddenly its face went angry as he looked at the portrait of the Queen. To the ultimate weapon, leasing Hong Kong to Britain was a time of humiliation, and Queen Elizabeth's descendants had taken it from them. The rage of 100 years streamed through it as its eyes lit up red and fired lasers out of the eyes, disintegrating the portrait and turning it into ashes and then smiling like a toddler who had just learned how to use a toilet for the first time. Li, on the other hand, let off a sigh of relief. His experiment was a success. He now wouldn't be executed.

A week had passed since Hui had last visited governor Patten and he was beginning to wonder if this Chin really existed. Patten looked out the window and saw more of Hong Kong being ruined by the fuckin ugly reds. He saw a bunch of them ringing someone's doorbell and running away. He noticed another mainland youth was wearing socks with sandals and another parading around the street wearing a ridiculous Hawaiin shirt. Patten felt like he was about to sick. "This here, this was the worst thing that could occupy a British country," he thought in disgust.

Patten was about to pour himself a stiff glass of Rice Vodka and was going to add some Talisker too it when suddenly as if the Belgrano had been torpedoed again, the door to his office swung open. Dropping his glass in shock as he turned, Patten saw a triumphant looking Commissioner Hui looking at him. That very moment, the young man walked into frame. He wore a black vest, shorts, and a headband. Patten saw something familiar about this man. He looked exactly like Jackie Chan. In fact, he swore he was Jackie Chan.

"Governor Patten, It is my great pleasure to introduce to you, Bruce Lee's relative... Chin."

Chin saluted Patten and bowed to him. "I am at your service governor Patten," he declared.

"What relative of Bruce Lee are you?" Asked Patten.

"I am just an unspecified relative of Bruce Lee sir."

Patten was surprised.

"Show me what you can do, Chin," Patten asked.

"Sir, if I may demonstrate outside," Chin asked.

Hui and Patten followed Chin Causeway bay where there was a bunch of Reds congregating by the sea smoking those horrible cigarettes you can get in China which are more for show than actually getting a nicotine hit.

Chin took a deep breath and started punching the air while jumping to a less than amused Governor. All of a sudden, Chin shouted and almost as they came from thin air, Chin fired two white balls from each hand, which light up like angels and engulfed the fuckin ugly reds turning them.

Patten watched on with his mouth hanging open in shock. Hui, on the other hand, started laughing, greatly amused to an almost sadistic level as Chin began to firing white balls from his hands at many fuckin ugly reds who in turn exploded into mushroom clouds as their bodies disintegrated at the speed of light.

Chin wiped the sweat from his brow and looked down the street. A herd of Reds looked at him in shock. All of a sudden, they pulled out guns and made a chine at Chin. Like a bolt of lightning, Chin dashed headlong into the horde of fuckin ugly reds, slaying dozens of them as he ran. After witnessing dozens of them destroyed in one fell swoop, the reds turned their attention to Chin. They were amazed at this super-killing machine called Chin. Chin suddenly smiled at the bewilderment of the fuckin ugly reds and started firing his white balls again, incinerating the last of the fuckin ugly reds into their respective miniature mushroom clouds.

Chin returned to a jubilant Hui and a shocked and maybe disturbed Governor Patten.

"How!" asked Patten. "That is not possible. How could you do that?"

"Because I'm Bruce Lee's relative," replied Chin.

Back on the mainland, news begun to broke about Chin and how he was slaying millions of the fuckin ugly reds. The Chinese government was furious. If Chin wiped them all out, they would never realize their dream of sucking Hong Kong Dry of all of its vast wealth. As a result of the crises, the fuckin ugly reds decided they had no choice but to deploy the ultimate weapon to Hong Kong and deal with the meddling Chin.

As the week's past, Chin was really put to work in wiping out the communists. Many more commies strode in from the mainland, who in turn were vapourised by Chin's mysterious white-balls and his almost inhuman strength, and Hong Kong was once again thriving with the more likelihood of the fuckin ugly reds taking back control of Hong Kong and pillaging it's westernized resources. Chin was labeled a hero by the local media and an outlaw by The Mainland. The mainland kept telling requesting that Governor Patten arrest Chin and that he should be put on trial for crimes against humanity, but Patten got drunk with Commissioner Hui one night and royally told The Mainland that their leader's mother's had golden penises and that Hong Kong belonged to them. Naturally, The Mainland was furious.

Governor Patten woke up on his balcony one morning, his head spinning and his mouth dry as a bone. Around him were countless empty Rice - Vodka bottles and a letter from the Mainland warning Patten that if they did not cooperate, they would deploy their ultimate weapon. Patten threw the letter off the balcony and looked across his domain. "Chin will wipe out all the communists, and I'll still be in charge." He thought aloud.

Suddenly, Patten heard crowds of people screaming loudly in the streets, followed by crowds running and the sound of explosions. Bewildered, Patten watched as people continued to run away, then suddenly his bewilderment turned to shock as hovering above Hong Kong's skyline was the gigantic disembodied head of Tong Shau Ping, smiling like a teenage boy who'd just wanked for the first time, firing lasers from his eyes. Patten rushed into his office and picked up the phone.

"Get me, Commissioner Hui and Chin, immediately," he demanded.

Minutes later, Hui who was still hungover like Patten and still have no recollection of how he got home the previous night watched the abomination with Chin and Patten from the balcony.

"I think we know what their ultimate weapon is now Chris."

"What have I told you about calling me, Chris Eddie. It's Governor Patten. Only Mrs. Patten calls me Chris."

"Stop arguing gentleman," said Chin sternly. I've massacred 1.2billion of the fuckin ugly reds. I can massacre this monstrosity too," Chin declared.

"Well don't just stand there Chin. Go kill the fucker before they try to negotiate a handover again."

On that, Chin bowed and jumped from the balcony, rushing into action.

"Got any aspirin?" Patten asked Hui. Without looking at him, Hui handed Patten a packet of cheap-looking Aspirin.

Chin rushed to Victoria Park where the ultimate weapon was heading (that could be a pun), fighting his way through hordes of the fuckin ugly reds who had been deployed to support the ultimate weapon and try to show Britain who was boss here. It turns out they were no match for Chin as he massacred thousands of them single-handedly.

Chin stood in the middle of Victoria Park, while terrified Hong-Kongers watched in disbelief at the abomination called an ultimate weapon.

"Tong Shau Ping!" called Chin.

The ultimate weapon stopped in its tracks and turned to face Chin. Its once amused face turned to anger as its eyes lit up and fired lasers at Chin, as he sideways jumped to avoid them.

As Chin landed, he raised his arms and started launching projectiles at the gigantic head, knocking it back slightly. Chin stopped to catch his breath, when all of a sudden, the head flew at full speed towards Chin. With little time to react, Chin jumped forward into the air, avoiding the impact of the head as it hit the ground with a loud crash that was heard in the mainland. Chin dived back towards the now grounded head and begun throwing his projectiles at full pelt, hitting into the head and causing burns.

"He's weakening," thought Chin. Suddenly, the head turned and flew towards Chin who in turn landed on its face.

With a quick flash, faster than any move his relative Bruce Lee could have done, Chin plucked one of the eyes from the ultimate weapon and threw it towards The Peak, where it landed on and crushed the house where a bunch of fuckin ugly reds were shooting themselves up with heroin.

Having plucked an eye from his enemy, Chin jumped from his prey and landed in the park below.

The head began to shout curse words in Mandarin at Chin, mostly words about Chin fucking his Mother and that the fuckin reds were the superior being and that all who opposed them would be purged by fire.

All around the park, Hong-Kongers were cheering on Chin, telling him to murder the head and their desires to watch it die miserably.

All of a sudden, Chin raised his arms and screamed a war-cry at the top of his lungs that was heard throughout Hong Kong. A beam of white light erupted from Chin's chest which hit the ultimate weapon, causing it to freeze in its tracks as a white light engulfed the fuckin ugly monstrosity. After about ten minutes, the ultimate weapon exploded, scattering pieces of brain and blood for miles around the city.

The fuckin reds, upon seeing the destruction of their ultimate weapon, dropped their weapons and went running back to The Mainland as fast as they could.

"Hong Kong is yours!" a soldier shouted as ran away after pissing himself in the streets at Chin's might.

On the day that the handover would have taken place, a ceremony was held outside government house to honor Chin for driving out The Reds. The Queen had traveled all the way to Hong Kong where she issued Chin with a knighthood for the massacre of 1.2billion of the fuckin ugly reds and saving Hong Kong from communism. Chin was greeted by roaring crowds who thanked him for saving them all as he waved and blew kisses at his adoring crowds.

Later that night, a big party was held in Chin's honor, hosted by a thankful Governor Patten who was thrilled he would not have to accept a boring job in education back in England, along with a relieved Commissioner Hui who would still get to keep his job.

As for Chin? Well after his work was done, he went back into the wilderness, his job here done, until the next time he would be called upon to destroy all the fuckin ugly reds.