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January 2019 had marked one month since I had last seen the love of my life, but this time I wasn’t crying about it. I was slowly detaching, and by this time I hardly thought about him (thinking went down to once a day instead of several times a day). I didn’t think I would ever get over him, but I shrugged and thought, "Not as hard as I thought." (Of course this was not entirely true).
I walked away feeling confused after most of our rendezvous. The times I didn’t were usually due to feeling like I actually did something that pleased him. (Little did I realize, my mind was already mixed up with having to deal with this mental illness. Then to later find out my father had NPD (amongst a mental illness), and that I never even caught onto it. Or maybe not to say “caught on,” but I didn’t realize. I didn’t even know what NPD was.
As I got older, the term Narcissist became... "someone that was a big *********." Growing up in a small town and hearing that word as an impressionable child, the word “narcissist” was... well... the neighbor. To any of my neighbors out there, no this is not about you. I’m referring to hearing adults talk as a child.
Once Upon a Time
A merry maiden and her true love flame were out exploring the hidden treasures of the forest. They were excruciatingly happy and joyful, dancing and singing with the night time Moon above them. The merry maiden, we, in the forest, call Belinda.
Belinda and her love soul, Conroy were a new love item. They weren’t even close to a marriage proposal, they had only known each other four months and weren’t even ready to move in together. But these decisions needn’t even have to be made right now, as Belinda and Conroy were busy educating themselves on life first, to be sure they outlast generations before. They were just happy in the unity they already had: warm conversations, lots of laughing, and playful jokes, making sure one could run faster than the other because nobody liked to lose.
A few weeks later, Belinda and Conway found themselves running through the same forest in hunt of treasures. They noticed something a little odd or off from the last time they had been there. For some reason it appeared drearier and darker than they remembered of last. It was then that they realized it was probably long past time to be home. There would be no full moon this evening. Feeling on edge, they both began running through the forest the way they came (or so they thought), before the darkness Swallowed their shadows.
Along their jaunt they were searching desperately for the two tree opening they had marked so to not get lost. But the deeper they ran, the darker their shadows were getting, and Belinda was in mere panic.
They stopped running for a moment and Conway consoled her. As he was wiping away the tears from her eyes she pointed behind him. Conway turned around to see what she was pointing at. A strange kind of animal was approaching them. It wasn’t a dog, fox, wolf, alligator or snake. But more like all four combined. It had four long legs like a dog. But it had a humped back. Its tail was of alligator scales. It had a tongue that flicked in and out, and very long, like a snake.
“Why the look of worry, dear druels? I understand your concern of the length in distance to the forest door, but if you follow me I know where there’s a short cut.”
Conway did not sway.
“We’ve been told time and again NOT to take ANY shortcuts, lest our short paths will shorten our living days.”
Belinda then noticed she had lost her crystal compass, and she whaled in despair.
“No need to be so upset young lady,” said the creature. “As I said, there is a short cut and it’s only a few feet in front of you.”
Conway looked at his love, souls tear filled, frightened eyes for a brief moment. He could not stand to see her in pain. He looked the creature sternly in the eyes and said, “Lead me to it.”
Life Still Moves Even if You Don’t
By one year of knowing each other, Belinda and Conway have moved into three different homes together. The next natural thing they thought was to get married. Conway was a little hesitant. Belinda has become unwaivered in his persistence that taking that short cut six months ago in the forest did not harm anybody or anything.
And like the creature said, he repeated, “We were only told not to take that road because it’s a wise road of all knowledge that nobody could possibly bear the knowledge of all’s past hurts and pains. But we made it out alive, and no more known to the wiser.”
As he tried to reassure her, he held a bit of skepticism to himself. Did she know? Or didn’t she? He wasn’t going to ask, because if he did and she said she knew, what would become of his life? Or the life of his love soul?
So instead he continued to tell her, “Everything is just fine, you are imagining things.”
He figured if he said that long enough it would become their reality. And it did. The short cut they took one year ago was never spoken of again.
A Year and a Marriage Later
Belinda felt Conway drifting. But she couldn’t tell him her feelings, because the last twelve times she tried he just got annoyed and told her she was imagining things. Soon she was imagining the depths of death. She was drowning in her tears she kept hidden inside. Then one summer she became ill. She went to several doctors. Nobody could find the cure.
Being ill made her grouchy. When she was grouchy so were the trees and wind. Conway could feel the chill on his drive home. He knew the short cut through the forest three years ago had affected her. He felt helpless. The more helpless he felt the more he took his time going home. He could not stand to see how his choice to take that shortcut has affected her. To avoid her and the admission of his poor choice he went even further within himself. Soon, Belinda and Conway quit playing and laughing. Conway spent most of his time in disgrace with himself, while Belinda slept away lost in her illness. At night, when it was time for bed, Conway would sneak in the bed, in hopes Belinda was done crying and was at last asleep. Belinda just laid in silence as he crept in, hoping he would not hear her breathing heavily from a tear filled nose.
Time Went One
There was nothing more to say. Nothing more to do. Belinda and Conway has become so far apart they no longer recognized each other. The house of love and warmth had turned cold over time, as Conway was doing his best to keep them, warm while Belinda continued to waste away in her illness. Until one day, Belinda rose, packed a bag and told Conway she was going to find a doctor to see what exactly was wrong with her. And she left.
Conway had nothing to say. He knew what was wrong with her, but he couldn’t tell her. Because if he did he would have to admit taking that short cut eight years ago WAS INDEED the road to all knowledge. The knowledge of good vs evil. And he would have to admit to the evil things his eyes enticed him to look at while he was covering hers. He never thought she would understand. Even though, he knew, deep in her heart, she already knew. That’s why she is sick. So, he let her go in seek of help. Two months later, his shame was more than he could bear. So he, as well left before she came back and saw the truth in his face.
From a distance, for years, they lied to each other. Belinda, wallowing in pain within, but kept a smile as best she could. And Conway moving on, or more like running, so not to face the truth. They danced this dance for several years; seeing each other, making a flame, then smashing the flames as quick. And in every end, to disappear from each other, as if never known. It had become the only dance they knew. Soon, time had become nothing but two people no longer known to one other, yet unable to let go because of this soul attachment. They were both confused. They knew they loved each other, but they didn’t know how to love each of themselves. Without that knowledge they both felt... like fools to one another, but too proud to express it.
So, is it Bipolar, Chemical Dependency or did Fate Really Step in?
Belinda was determined to get even. All the past years of Conway pushing her away had come to a stand off. She was now an addict, in which some of the symptoms were irritability, aggression, and inability to sleep. Belinda had been addicted to methamphetamine for six months. Nothing she ever intended to try. When she was asked if she wanted to try some crank, she knew crank as nothing more than what speed was in the 80s. Crank was an 80s term, so she thought. And with that assumption she tried “crank” for the first time.
She certainly didn’t FEEL any different. No hallucinations or delusions. No “euphoria” like she heard people talk about. But it did make her feel SOMETHING. Not so tired and lethargic all the time, and full of creativity and imagination. She also found herself being more sociable/talkative. She really liked these qualities, as these were all qualities she had been missing since the loss of her love soul so many years ago. Of course, yes, they were still seeing each other, but it wasn’t the deep connection and oneness they once felt, and she longed for again with Conway. But, the chemical seemed to have brought back some of her old self that had been missing for so long.
The Biggest Lie
When things were all done and said, she felt the biggest drain come out of her body. Belinda had turned into somebody she did not like. And apparently, there’d been someone or something else that didn’t like it either. After sending emails and texts in an angry haste, Belinda stopped to think about the things she had said, and the hurtful implies she threw in Conway’s face. It shouldn’t matter how he had treated her, Belinda knew better, yet she still turned her back. Or better yet, stabbed her lover right in the back, with hurtful betrayal in the worst way. She saw the end crash before her eyes. It was the biggest feeling of despair and hopelessness.
For six months she was harassed, bullied, and stalked by the demons who loved to taunt and torment her, because they knew they had finally won her over. Instead of giving up completely, Belinda continued to fight, though it was a heavily unbalanced war. Not only that, but half the time she didn’t know who she was fighting. She did however, know the fight she was fighting in the present was not the winning battle to end the war. She fought until exhaustion crept over her every early morning.
Rubbed down and ragged, the months dragged on. But in time the enemy got bored, and tired with the fight. It was extinct from competition quite some time ago. Belinda became worn down, she no longer fought for most things. As a matter of fact, it had finally come to a point Belinda looked forward to the loss of another territory takeover so she could just have quiet. Even though she always knew the enemy would take over the only sleeping gear she had left. As long as she could just sit in the tall grass unnoticed she no longer cared if the enemy picked on her while normally searching the web. Her joy of research turned to bleakness and unimportance. As long as the enemy just didn’t say anything to her, she could maybe celebrate an evening of tolerable sleep.
And then it dawned on her. Her sadness wasn’t just sadness, it was regret.
TO BE CONTINUED: THE STORY FROM ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE.