I'm Jewish, but Also Not

When I was 12, I started high school. That was already a big transition, but there was an added change for me. For the first time in my life, I wasn't in a religious school. Growing up Jewish, I had always been in a religious school. Praying for 20 minutes every morning, before and after eating, having Hebrew class, and reading the torah. It was fine, and I went to a good school. The only problem was that I never really felt like a part of the community. Once I got to a secular high school, things fell into place. I made friends, I liked school, and I truly felt like a part of the tiny community I had joined. Meanwhile, my family had maintained its religion. Talk of my brothers religious education made me uncomfortable, and during Shabbat dinners I would look at the floor and mumble the prayers, feeling out of place and sick to my stomach. I was terrified of being questioned.

When I was 13, I started to question it. Why did I feel this way? What was causing this kind of discomfort about my own religion, my own culture? What was wrong with me?

It was then that I realized that maybe it wasn’t my religion. Maybe my beliefs didn’t line up with the ones I’d been raised with. Today, I have a name for it, but back then I really had no idea. I’m agnostic. But the moment I realized I didn’t believe in Judaism, I started to realize I had to do the difficult dance of religion vs. culture.

Judaism is unique in the sense that it is as much of a culture as it is a religion. We have our own diets, traditions, country, languages, groups, dances, milestones, cuisine. Jewish people aren’t like Catholics in the sense that our lives are ruled by our religion, they’re ruled by our culture that has formed from years of religious oppression and isolated communities. This makes it difficult for me as an agnostic person to differentiate my beliefs from my culture and upbringing.

When I have Shabbat dinners, when I pray with my family, when i eat kosher food and keep passover, when I celebrate holidays, when I speak Hebrew and say Yiddish words in my everyday life, when I have constant connections with every Jewish person in my area, it just makes it that much more difficult to maintain my two identities. On one hand, I don’t believe in the Jewish God and don’t feel comfortable going to synagogue. But on the other hand, I love the fact that I have Judaism as such a huge part of my identity. I love dancing the Hora with people I don’t know but am probably related to and at bar mitzvah. I love having my own form of cuisine and having a family recipe for chicken soup that's been passed down for three or four generations. I love asking what someone’s schtick is, calling my friends shiksa’s, throwing a napkin at someone and saying “use the shmata not your shirt,” telling people to stop kvetching, laughing at my goyim friends when they ask ridiculous questions, shvitzing in the summer. My yiddishisms are a part of my language, my dialect. How can someone be Jewish without actually being Jewish? Am I not really agnostic because my Jewish culture still comes through in my daily life? Can I really be Jewish without believing in and agreeing with most of the religious aspects?

Balancing my community and culture with my religious beliefs have not always been easy, and there are many people I have to hide my identity from. In some cases, it’s just easier not to say anything and make people happy. I don’t mind, because I know it’s easier for everyone. But on hard days, it can cause my identity crisis to devolve from a mild issue into an all consuming toxic thought process.

Living with this kind of identity, being constantly unsure of where you fall, whether your community will accept you or not, whether you are enough and whether your beliefs are valid, it can create a lot of stress and cause tension between you and the people whose beliefs differ. Many people, mostly the goyim, have told me to just abandon religion if it causes this kind of emotional burden, Just let it go, cut it out of your life, move on and leave it behind. But Judaism is so much more than a religion, and it seems both impossible and insane to cut out my culture and community, just leave behind such a huge part of myself. I’m not sure I can cut out the Jewish parts of my life and not completely change.

Whether my religious beliefs reflect it or not, I’m Jewish. I’m an agnostic Jew who enjoys cheeseburgers, challah, bacon, and chicken soup with kneidlach. It’s kind of an odd combination, to be so ingrained in the culture of a religion and not share the beliefs and feelings of everyone who surrounds me, but it’s my reality. Even in a community of intensity and pride about the Jewish identity we all share, I have managed to create my own version of Judaism. I am proud to be Jewish, proud of how i was raised and the culture that so deeply impacts my life, and proud to be a part of such a unique and strong community. And I’m even prouder that I have managed to stay a part of the community without sacrificing my own beliefs.