Justified Paranoia

Over the last month, I have been driven… compelled… to talk about my experiences as a person who has interacted with extraterrestrial beings, or a contactee. Some people call this phenomenon “abductions” and the people involved “abductees.” Some people say we are “experiencers.” I say what I have witnessed, experienced, endured, is real—real to me—valid, and has shaped me into the person I am today.

Few people are willing to step forward, raise their hands, and say, “Yes, I am an experiencer.” Why is that? Why are so many people who have been contacted by aliens reluctant to reveal the truth of their lives? Quite frankly, we are scared. Terrified. Mortified even. How will we be treated? Will our jobs or careers be in jeopardy? Will we be committed or medicated because we are mentally unstable? Will our friends and family turn their backs on us when we could really use the support?

The writing of my first article, “Dirty Little Secret,” sent me into a battle within myself. Not only was it emotionally painful to pull these memories up into the light when I would much rather forget completely the scary nights, but I was nearly crippled with the fear of not knowing how I would be received. The compulsion to get the story out to the masses far outweighed my fears, and I held my breath as I shared the link with everyone I could think of through social media. Surprisingly, I garnered a lot of support and have had a few people contact me for help, which was my intention in the first place. You are not alone.

To Publish or Not to Publish

The drive to continue to get my experiences out, to help bolster others, to bring together those of us with this history, led me to dive right into my next article. Building on the experience outlined in “Dirty Little Secret,” “The Human Harvest” examined the questions that have popped up in abduction circles for a long time—why do they want to create or take our babies? Not only did I share several of my own memories, I touched on others' who have had similar experiences. But it wasn’t enough. I knew this was only one facet of the phenomena. You can’t look at babies without looking at the family bloodlines at the same time. I explored what I have been told about my father’s side of the family from my grandfather down to my own children, and speculated about my husband’s bloodline, too. Feeling confident that I had a strong piece, I handed it to my husband to read. First thing he said was, “Did you ask my sister if it was ok to mention her and the boys?” My heart fell. No, I hadn’t, so I decided to do just that.

I sent her a message and waited. And waited. And fretted all night. Maybe this is a mistake. Maybe I have no right to mention anyone but myself. But this phenomenon does cross generations, and it is important to look at this factor. I lost sleep. What should I do? The article was already published but I hadn’t told anyone about it, and maybe I shouldn’t.

My sister-in-law got back to me in the morning: “Did you use our names?”

“Of course not.”

“Did you say anything mean?”

“You know I wouldn’t do that.”

“Then I don’t know why you are worried. Now send me the link so I can read the article.”

I ended up only showing the article to people I knew would be receptive—my contacts in the UFO community, those who follow my writing, and just a choice few friends and family. The paranoia has grown and wars with my need to be open and vocal about this. I decided to investigate other times paranoia has plagued me when it comes to my contact with alien beings. Exposing myself to the masses is certainly only the tip of the iceberg.

Those Endless, Sleepless Nights

So many nights have consisted of me curled in a ball with my back to the wall, the light on, long past midnight. “Please don’t come. Just leave me alone. Go away. Oh God, just leave me alone.” It certainly wouldn’t be every night—it ebbs and flows like waves of contact times. I always seem to have a warning or a message before they come. A cold feeling washes over me, my heart races. “No, not tonight.” And there I would be, balled up in med. Most of the time my two grey cats will not leave my side on those nights. I definitely won’t sleep. This often lasts several days until I can no longer keep both eyes open and focused on the door and windows, sleep overcoming me regardless of my protests.

The real question here is—how many of those nights that I spend in terror are really nights in which I was visited? How much of this anxiety is due to PTSD? In the process of becoming a therapist, these symptoms look very familiar to me. I see it often with my clients, many contactees, and certainly myself (as I wipe sweat off of my upper lip while I type).

What is PTSD? Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is the re-experiencing of a trauma that one has endured in varied and often surprising ways with acute stress symptoms that accompany those triggers. After the initial trauma, a person may experience disturbing memories, nightmares, flashbacks, psychological distress, and physiological reactions such as sweating, pounding heart, rapid breathing, possibly even chest pains (DSM-5, 2013). Those suffering from PTSD will do what they can to avoid these memories, etc., which may include avoiding the people, places, or activities that remind them of the trauma. There may be some blocked memories around the trauma, exaggerated negative beliefs, some distortion around blame, persistent negative emotional states such as fear, anger, or guilt, a loss of interest in others and activities, and other depressive symptoms (DSM-5, 2013). A person with PTSD may be easily irritable, be hypervigilant, have an exaggerated startle response, lack of concentration and may suffer from sleep disorders (DSM-5, 2013).

Time for Another Session

There is no doubt that alien contact can be traumatic, especially when contact starts as a child. So far, I haven’t found a way to stop the contact; however, I can treat my PTSD. I don’t have to be afraid to go to sleep. I don’t need to negatively impact my family by being irritable and withdrawn. I know my husband suffers as well. He startles awake so easily and so dramatically that I must be very careful not to wake him. But, who do you go to for this? Many counselors are trained in dealing with PTSD, and many of those are also trained in hypnotherapy. But making the decision to see a counselor isn’t so simple for a contactee. One cannot just spring this information on just any ol’ counselor. Well, I mean you can, and some counselors may be receptive, but this isn’t anything I have personally wanted to talk about in therapy. No way.

I was very lucky to have met Yvonne Smith at the Roswell UFO Festival several years ago. It was through her I found a support group and was able to go through a hypnotherapy session with her. For the first time in a long time, I could sleep without vigilance. I could turn out the light and sigh with relief as sleep overcame me. I have decided to follow in Yvonne’s footsteps, and as graduation nears, I look forward to jumping into whatever training she recommends. However, the writing of these articles and recent encounters have me sleepless and paranoid once again. Time for another session…