New Star Wars Cut Removes All the Men: Critics Say Movie Was Too Boring with All of the 'Peace'

Sometimes women just aren't as good at things as men, like plunging the universe into turmoil.

With all the evil defeated, these women decided to live in harmony: BORING!

Los Angeles, CA—The Star Wars franchise has spanned over 40 years. There have been ups and downs for the series, and fans have had tough moments with some of the materials (Midichlorians, anyone?).

However, the latest movie inspired a particularly ambitious Men's Rights Activist to take time out of their daily fight for whatever is left to oppress women about to edit down the latest Star Wars movie to 46 minutes without the female characters.

In an act of retaliation, Bridget, an active vlogger and geek material critic, decided to flip the script and cut the males out of the latest Star Wars flick. This garnered enough attention that she continued through the franchise and presented her materials for a panel of her peers.

"I was really excited for people to see Star Wars with some serious female representation," Bridget exclaimed. "In all of the editing I did, I never expected this would be the end result and I'm shocked no one has explored this idea before."

Critics and Star Wars fans alike came out to Geffen Playhouse for Bridget's condensed Star Wars re-branding. Feminist movements and women's liberation groups expressed an interest in seeing women talking to other women with names about something other than men, and those familiar with the Star Wars lore wondered how the franchise would look without Yoda.

The showing saw approximately 200 guests, with a strong representation from the gender-bending cosplay community in efforts to increase the amount of characters available to dress up as.

"We recognized that the franchise only has about three women until the current movie," 21-year-old Star Wars fanatic Caitlyn stated, "That's pretty tough to avoid duplicating in a group shot."

The entire compilation of all eight core movies was filed down to a two hour slot, and through minor liberties with the script, the audience came to the same conclusion: Men put the "War" in Star Wars, and the franchise is dead without them.

"I always thought the strong female characters were what drew me to Star Wars," one critic wrote, "but they don't do much of anything when there are no men to unbalance the Force or murder children."

The experimental film project featured Queen Amidala debating space politics to giving birth and raising Princess Leia to debate more space politics. Eventually, Rey and Rose meet up with them and they all get an ice fox pet.

Fans left the showing contemplating their place in the universe when there is no war or conflict.

"Is this a deeper comment on the male gender? Or is this reserved to the Star Wars franchise? I'd like to try editing a few more movies and explore this idea. Maybe Indiana Jones or The Matrix." Bridget stated. "I'm just worried most movies won't actually feature enough women to have any footage at all."

"I think that there is something to be said when strong female characters only exist as a result of men and their problems. Maybe the Force is really a representation of the gender divide."

The final decision that remained unanimous about this experience: peace is incredibly boring and does not make for a great space drama. 

Nevertheless, Men's Right Activists were quick to argue against the material as a total farce, as Princess Leia couldn't have been born without Anakin, therefore rendering the entire experiment ridiculous. Protests were attempted, but not enough members had access to their mother's minivan at the same time and it was ultimately abandoned for a "really angry" Reddit thread.

The above is a not-so-clever satire as submitted on February 1st, 2018 by Ray Pluie.

Follow Ray on Twitter or follow #ChickenNuggetQueen and search until you find her.

Ray Pluie
Ray Pluie

Made from a collection of pogs and expired teen angst. You can probably find her blowing in the wind through your local grocery store parking lot or at your next family reunion stealing all of the affection.

Twitter: @RayPluie

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