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Petey Crackerjack & The Wonderful & Mysterious Text Adventure Game

Be certain to do your homework...

A mere facsimile of a text adventure game compared to the one which the reader is about to witness.

Tis the night before finals, and all through the house, not a creature is stirring, except for this louse... Petey thought as he lay in bed. He still could not sleep, tossing and turning, tortured by this wretched, horrid assignment.

Ambling over to his computer, Petey took another look at the instructions for his ENG 101 final paper which shone brightly illuminating his laptop computer screen:


Petey was ever so tired; why, he could hardly keep his eyes open! It only seemed right that he should return to the bed that he had only just been laying on a moment ago.

And so he did, grunting and groaning and wheezing, with body odor puffing out of his flabby folds with each step until he PLOPPED right back on top of the mattress from which he had come. But much to Petey’s surprise, he was so worried about his ENG 101 paper that he simply could not even begin to close his eyes. “It’s a rotten thing, this cursed paper,” he said to no one in particular, “it isn’t right that they make me write with all of these strict rules and guidelines. I ought to be able to do as I please! A true education is learnt by living life, not this foolhardy reading and writing nonsense!”

Pete had hardly noticed as he spoke aloud to his empty bedroom that he had begun to massage his ball-sack between the index finger and thumb of his right hand. As his penis came to full mast he looked down with delight, "Perhaps I should masturbate myself again. That’ll clear my poor old head so I can begin work on this insipid, stupid, strict and horrid assignment!"

As he began to masturbate, he heard a dinging noise emanate from his computer screen. He jumped up in fright, shouting, "Oh bother, did I forget to turn off my video camera?"

He hid his erection with his left hand as he raced over towards the open laptop and began to slam it close. However, something caught his beady worried eyes as he did so, halting his laptop screen’s descent and bringing up his right hand which had been hiding his now withered erection in front of his quivering, puckered lips. His laptop screen was now quite entirely blank, save for a message in large black comic sans font which read:

"hello petey would you like to play a game?"

Our phallus obsessed hero was perturbed to say the least, "Gee whiz, what ever is happening? Has some miscreant wrecked my homework assignment?" he spoke out crossly before leaning over and typing in response:

"go away you sot! I don’t have time for games, got homework to do."

":-( but peety maybe game will help u with homework"

"absolutely not! games are designed for annoying little child sot types and im a very important adult with no time for games and proper work to take care of!"

"but petey you weren’t even doing homework prior to this. you were masturbating yourself."

The rage that filled Petey upon seeing this text appear can only be compared to that of the prehistoric giant sloth after discovering that a rival giant sloth had been eating its succulent eucalyptus leaves. How dare this CPU sass me such as this! Masturbation is a very important part of the writing process and I’ll not let this impertinence stand!

"now see here laptop! i wont stand for—"

As he began typing his text was washed away and the laptop began writing furiously at him it seemed, much too furious for poor old Petey to keep up with on the delete button.

"is masturbating yourself homework petey?"

"is it vital to your success?"

"do your teachers encourage you to masturbate as part of homework?"

"are you writing a paper on masturbation?"

A small video feed popped open in the upper right-hand corner. In it was seated a cute brunette girl, cross legged on her bed, painting her toenails. Petey recognized her immediately as his crush, Stacey Winters. The screen flashed again, this time bright red with black text:

"would you like stacey to see you masturbate petty?"

His horror was beyond belief, much as the giant sloth had felt horror at finding that the same rival which had ate his eucalyptus leaves had also slowly (ever so slowly) entered and reentered his sloth wife the night prior, leaving behind sperm which had traveled slowly (ever so slowly) down into the female sloth’s ovaries and impregnated the egg inside of her. He sputtered out anxiously, "Please don’t show her, laptop! I’m ever so sorry!"

A frowning face flashed black on the red screen, and then the video popup enlarged, showing Stacey reach down and look at her smartphone and then throw it aside in disgust, screeching about, " . . . that gross neck-beardy guy in my English class! What the fuck!"

The sobs were heard loud and clear as Petey cried in reference to his unrequited and now unattainable love interest (although let’s not kid ourselves, it was never truly an option for poor old Pete anyways). With puddles of salty tears dripping off his nose and gathering on the track-pad that lay underneath, he typed out somberly—

"alright you goddamn portable computer ill play your stupid game"

":-) excellent peety you’ve made the right choice now please choose one of the following:

A) social media

B) Nathaniel Hawthorne"

Feh! As if it could not have chosen more bothersome topics! This darned text adventure game only gave me options which pertain to my homework, thought Petey, I suppose I’ll pick the one that I most need to work on. He reluctantly typed out:


":-( petey that is very boring choice"

"well you blasted text adventure game it the one which most pertains to my homework which id be working on right now if it weren’t for your horrifying shenanigans!"

":-( fine peety ill play nathaniel hawthorne game"

Peety grinned devilishly, you fool I’ve caught you now. You’ll never be able to compete with my knowledge of famed Puritanical author Nathaniel Hawthorne!

More text appeared on the screen:

"petey im going to teach you about hawthorne famous novel scarlet letter"

A cackle almost escaped our hero’s lips but he held it back, that’s exactly what my homework assignment is about you shitty stupid fucking piece of sloth sperm.

His smile quickly disappeared however once he saw the window that had appeared: another video feed, this time displaying his social media profile, which was somehow writing a post about Petey on Petey’s wall entirely by itself as if by magic, tagging all of Petey’s friends and family as it did so.

"what are you doing?!"

"im teaching you petey" 

"stop that!"

":-) no!"

Petey watched in horror as the post appeared on his wall:


And sure enough, to Petey’s horror, he watched as the screen displayed quickly, one after another each of Petey’s pictures which now had a large red M photo-shopped on top of them (transparently, so the viewer could still see his smug mug underneath).

He screeched, grabbing the sides of the laptop screen and shaking it furiously as he helplessly screamed at it, "You fucking twat you’ve ruined my whole life!"

"why is that peety"

"im so humiliated! all of my friends and family are going to think I’m a masturbating little sot!"

"so would you say you’ve been shamed"

"yes! i feel ever so ashamed!"


"i don’t see how it could get more public than that!"

"just as the main character was in Nathaniel Hawthorne’s ‘The Scarlet Letter’ when she was forced to wear the letter ‘A’ for adulterer?"

Petey gasped, wiping away his tears and letting a smile creep onto his face, hanging there loosely and stupidly, much as the sloth had done when it became the first animal ever to commit suicide by hanging. "I see now, text adventure game! Why, you’ve practically written my essay for me!" he chortled, quite suddenly filled with hope and delight.

":-) i told you id help you petey"

And with his heart pounding with excitement and his private inbox rapidly filling with angry and/or belittling messages, Petey Crackerjack neglected to masturbate himself all night long and instead wrote his final ENG 101 paper in one sitting, receiving a C- on it a week later due to his overall poor grasp of grammar and punctuation (not to mention the sloth doodles scrawled all over the hard copy of his paper).

"teh end :-)"

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