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Okay so, at the age off 11 I started questioning the existence of God and the point of religion. I soon came across a word that I thought explains perfectly what I believed in at the time—Agnostic. It wasn't that long before I came across another word that I felt more confident in describing my beliefs—Atheist. This was when I was in my teenage, late teenage years. Now at 21, I'm questioning things all over again and it's annoying me.
Ya girl grew up in a Muslim household. Not really religious at all or strict. But I was forced to go to classes to learn more about Islam. And I hated it. Every class I remember my teacher telling the students the history of the religion and significant figures. I was more interested in the proof. "Is there proof that happened? How can you believe in it without any evidence of it happening?" I asked and got shamed and it was the beginning of me losing my faith.
There was one particular moment that really got me thinking. It was Ramadan and my mum got me to pray with her (FYI, I never knew how to). I was kneeling and we were finishing off our prayer. My mum was peaceful, with her eyes closed. My eyes were wide open and I asked myself out of nowhere, "I'm "praying" to something I've never seen or heard or... anything! It doesn't make sense"...I was 6 years old at the time.
Another moment which riddled my head with the thought, "I just don't get religion, it's stupid," was when I was at one my Islamic classes. My teacher somehow saw underneath my scarf my hair was cut. I was then picked out and was told it's "haram" (forbidden or proscribed by Islamic law) to cut my hair. I was done. I let my mum know I was not happy going to these classes and I will not be going anymore. I didn't even have an argument with her; she was fine with it...???
Fast forward to 2018 and 21 years old, I'm no longer confident that there simply is nothing. I no longer feel confident that there isn't something after we die. I mean I still don't believe in god but I'm pondering on the thought that maybe we are in a computer simulation. Hilariously, one of my very religious friends thinks this idea is "ridiculous." Lol, okay then(!) I'm also reading a lot about reincarnation. The reason being for all this is because a lot bad things have been happening in my life since I was able to comprehend words and retain memories, and it just makes me think if I am just that unlucky or was I a dick in a past life?
I've been suicidal in the past and one thing that scares me more than dying is what's next after this? Lights out? Do I really meet my maker? I think it's stupid to wonder what happens after we die when we should be focusing on living and fulfilling our goals and wishes. It's easy to believe that there is nothing. But at the same time, it's not. I feel as though I'm on a mission to find out the truth. Not sure if it's because it will bring me peace or to prove something... Like I said, I'm not sure. But as far as I know, there are people who are absolute trash and they're living it large. Then there are people who are struggling to live in all aspects but no matter what, they remain to have a good heart. Why?