Satisfaction

Satisfaction

“If you’re so miserable then why not pawn all this off on someone else?” Eliza asked, tracing her finger along a book on the table.

We were standing in my study just talking about random things. It had initially started focused on her, but then somehow turned on me, and, incidentally, I left off explaining my discomfort with my comforts. I stood with my hand on a shelf and my back to her thinking over my response. I had gotten careless and I couldn’t understand how. Of all the years I’d lived, I had always been secure, but now I’d slipped up. What made it worse was the timing. She wasn’t drunk so she would certainly remember this conversation. If I lied, she’d know it. I could already feel her eyes on my back waiting for my response, digging into my soul for the truth as I tried desperately to prepare a lie.

“Would you?” I asked turning to face her.

She stared at me for a brief moment, then answered, “If it is as bad as you make it seem, I would. No use in hoarding and holding onto things that don’t bring you any happiness.”

“After you’ve ‘pawned’ it all off,” I said. “After you’ve gotten rid of all of this, then what will you have left?”

Her eyes drifted toward the floor. She was speechless. I kept everything I had achieved and strove for more because it was all I had. It helped distract me from the thing I could never have. But she could never know that. Once it was all gone, then I would have nothing, and if our places were switched, I was confident she would choose the same as I had. To keep everything.

“Exactly,” I said breaking the silence. “I have my reasons for my methods just as you have your reasons for your methods.”

I walked over and picked up the book she had her hand on. She allowed me to take it and kept her head down as I returned it to its place on the shelf. I smirked a little with my back to her. Well handled, I told myself. Leave her unable to respond and the conversation ends. My brief moment of victory didn’t last long, though, before she finally mustered a response.

“I’d have the pursuit,” she said.

I turned and stared at her.

“Why strive to achieve things that don’t make you happy?” She asked, “Why not give it up to search for what would make you happy?”

Her eyes locked on mine, holding my gaze. As I thought about her answer, I realized she was right. In this instance, she had control. She had answered with something I had never even considered; a truth that had evaded me for so long. Even as I could have remained speechless at the mention of her truth, I knew exactly what to say.

“Maybe I don’t want to search for such a thing. If I’ll only be disappointed when I never find it, then why bother,” I said.

“Would you rather die with the regret that you gave up?” She asked, remaining in her spot.

I stopped and turned my head to look at her with a burdened stare.

“That,” I said, “Can never happen.”

As soon as the words left my lips, I turned and left the room. Behind me, her footsteps struck the old carpet as she followed me.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She asked, running up beside me.

We exited the study and proceeded down the hallway toward the front of the Mansion. I ignored her question and avoided locking eyes with her. To answer her question would be going too far. The past few days had been enjoyable, but I knew how it would end. I had gotten too comfortable. Now it was time to end it before it began. She grabbed my hand and stopped me.

“What does that mean?” She repeated.

I looked at her and saw the full weight of her curiosity. There was beauty in her soul. Something wonderful amidst the brown of her eyes—something that made it hard to ignore her. I’d met countless vixens with similar effects but this was different.

“I…” I started, “I cannot die.”

She stared at me in disbelief for a moment, then let out a soft laugh, “You’re kidding.”

“I didn’t acquire all of this in one lifetime,” I said, gesturing to everything around me. “I do not engage in the pursuit you speak of because, in the end, they will die while I live.”

She stared at me, speechless, but still held my hand in hers. I went to pull away but she held fast.

“Then maybe,” she said looking me in my eyes, “Instead of working for all this, then maybe you should work for that.”

“Work for what?” I asked, “Did you just ignore everything I said?”

She sighed and shook her head. I expected her to say something but instead she leaned in and pressed her lips to mine. My skin caught flame and my heart skipped a beat. I told myself to push her away, but it felt too good to let go. When she pulled away, I just stared at her in disbelief. It had already begun.

“You’ve got the riches,” she said. “How about using them to give us more time?”

I looked at her, still a bit shocked by what she’d just done. I could still feel her lips against mine and the heat of them lingered, making me want more.

“Are you serious?” I asked, “If it fails then you will grow old. You will be struck with illness and then die.”

“Better than avoiding what I want out of fear,” she said confidently.

“Then you’ll have to help,” I said. “You’ll have to share this disappointment with me.”

She smiled, “I’d be glad to. Just one condition: don’t give up.”

I returned the smile and said, “Maybe I’ll learn not to.”