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Guess who’s back? Back again—
That’s obviously a rhetorical question, but hey, I bet those lyrics are racing through your mind right now.
You guys know what we’re here to do though, so let’s get right to it!
WELCOME TO SCORECARD WEEKLY! The place where you come to get honest, uncut, and uncensored reviews of TV series and movies (old and new). Before we begin today’s card, let’s recap on what we are grading, shall we? Please turn your attention to the invisible, non-existent whiteboard—
Using our state of the art scorecard, we grade:
The minimum score for a section and card is one. The maximum score is five. Finally, we decide if it’s a recommend or pass. You’re probably shaking your fists and asking, WHAT’S IN IT FOR US? Well, my friend, you all are in luck today. We’re giving out a healthy serving of entertainment, as always.
Now the stage has been set. The curtains have opened. Today’s guest WILL BE the new movie, The Cloverfield Paradox, brought to us by Netflix. (Yes, we love Netflix, okay? DON’T WE ALL!)
If you’ve seen the previous two films, you know that the films take place sometime in the distant future, but we aren’t given a timeline. However, given the technological advancements present within this film, one can only assume that it’s in a time, far, far, away—I couldn’t help myself. Much of the film takes place on the USS Enterprise (not really) but I’m not sure how to describe this space station. It’s large, floats around in space, and only has about seven people on board, what a waste. The other part of the film is set on Earth, where we are given an exclusive look at the ongoing chaos on our dying planet.
Much like any other movie, there are characters, and from the opening scene, we know who our protagonist will be. An American woman whose role onboard the station is a communications officer, and she’s pretty good at it—she’s even fluent in Chinese. There is an Asian crew member, German, Russian, and I’m going to assume the rest are American, as well. Nothing really jumps out about these characters. There isn’t any complexity or differentiation between them. I believe they’re a tad bit bland. The film wants us to believe that these individuals have been together for two years, yet nothing really speaks to that.
Here comes the juicy part—Not really! I stated above that our planet is dying, so there is no bigger obstacle than that. The mission of the magnificent seven is to create a sustainable and infinite energy source for Earth before it becomes uninhabitable. The movie relies on the clichés of power struggles between crew members, loyalty to countries, and doomsday that’s two years overdue.
Dying planet? Check. One dimensional characters? Double check. Alternate dimension? Welcome to Flashpoint! (Okay, I think I’ll lay off the pop culture references for a while). In this film, things go wrong, HORRIBLY wrong. So wrong, in fact, that our “heroes” end up in…
Nope. I’m sorry, I’m not going to spoil it! Moving o—WAIT! One last thing, these are supposed to be some of the most brilliant minds in the world and sometimes the movie shows us that. Which is unfortunate, and I chalk it up to terrible writing, but these are some of the most ignorant characters I’ve seen in a while. Honestly, their biggest obstacle besides saving our asses is so close they could feel it, yet time and time again, they show us just how unaware and desperate they are. I won’t spoil anything, but I want you all to know, it’s blatantly obvious what is happening. Okay, now we can move on.
Mysterious. Unsettling. Both of which are forced and predictable. You ever watch a horror movie and know something is about to happen, so you start preparing to jump? This film plays on that a lot and lets you down even more. The suspense, or lack thereof, is a letdown, especially given the circumstances of everything that’s happening onboard their station and on Earth. (Prepare for a pop culture reference) This film reminds me of Aliens, just badly executed. I’m pretty sure Ripley couldn’t even add a unique element to this trash. Ripley, if you’re out there somewhere, I’m doing this for you!
Can I give them an A for effort? No. Okay. Look, they tried. Whoever wrote this had an idea, that isn’t bad. They wanted to give us some backstory on the first two films, wanted to help us understand what the fuck is happening and why these monsters are here just roaming around destroying shit. I get it, I really do! The best thing about this film is THE CONCEPT. Trust me, if you still decide to watch it after reading this, you’ll see a couple Easter eggs, which I thought were great. That only works in comic book movies, though, am I right? Yes? No? Okay, screw you guys—Easter eggs or not, the one-dimensional characters, underwhelming conflict, and tacky cliffhanger are what make this concept less than average. They tried and failed. We’ll give them an A for effort, but that’s the only good grade they’ll get out of us.
Overall Score- 2.5/5
Final Verdict- Pass
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for stopping by! Until we meet again, May the Force Be with You! I really can’t help myself.