The Best of Captain Kirk Putting the Moves On

Who doesn’t love it when Captain Kirk puts the movies on the ladies? But what we may not realize is his confidence actually comes from the love of one woman. She’s known as the USS Enterprise, and here’s the best of the duo working in tandem.

"Elaan of Troyius"

Captain Kirk has dealt with all manner of aliens. But children have more than measured up in giving Kirk a run for his money. Elaan of Troyius probably tops the list. She’s rude, disrespectful, and sees no reason to keep her surroundings at arm’s length when throwing tantrums.

The 23rd century does not provide her safe haven from Kirk going old school, though. “I'll arrange to have the whole room filled from floor to ceiling with breakable objects,” Kirk confronts the disarray that the Dohlman has made of her quarters.

But just because an unbreakable penetrates the ambassador’s back and nearly kills her, Kirk sees no reason to switch gears. “If I touch you again, Your Glory, it'll be to administer an ancient Earth custom called a spanking, a form of punishment administered to spoiled brats,” he assures.

A well timed slap isn’t to be overlooked either and before we know it, Kirk proves the old adage that children crave limits. “I don't know how to make people like me,” she relents.

The biochemical tears and the rest of the window dressing aside, the princesses’ journey to adulthood has clearly begun. But she’ll have to take it on her own, because there’s only one lady that has final say over James T. Kirk. “The antidote to a woman of Elas, doctor, is a starship. The Enterprise infected the captain long before the Dohlman did,” Spock confirms what we should have already known.

"By Any Other Name"

So the Kelvins have hijacked Jim Kirk’s first love, and there’s no taking her back. That is until Spock sees an opening. “The Kelvins have superior intellectual capacity. To achieve it, they have apparently sacrificed anything which would tend to distract them. Perceptive senses such as taste, touch, smell, and, of course, emotions.”

Of course, Kirk has no need to delegate areas of expertise for his three remaining crew members. “Lad, you're going to need something to wash that down with. Have you ever tried any Saurian brandy,” Scottie goes right into action.

Kirk doesn’t require any dithering to know where he’s best suited to provide distraction either. Under the guise of an apology for striking her earlier, Kirk plants the seed. “There are better things for men and women to do,” he demurs.

Kelinda then takes the bait. “Like what?”

Hey Kelvins, turn the ship around now before anyone gets hurt. But what would be the fun in that, and who among us doesn’t need a little instruction from James Tiberius.

A light touch, for instance, is all you need sometimes. “Is this where I hit you,” Kirk sets her up again.

One planted on the shoulder and then on the lips. But the alien invader thinks she’s a step ahead. “Oh, you are trying to seduce me.”

But Kelinda has no idea that the next question is rhetorical. “Why do you build such a mystique around a simple biological function?”

Hey this is captain James T. Kirk, and before you know it, she’s defying orders to get another taste. She also learns fast that all's fair…

“It's not a question of defiance. We were told to find out everything we could about you,” Kelinda justifies.

What do you expect when captain Kirk is your teacher. Now, you can turn the ship around.

The Kelvin commander is sufficiently stimulated and Kirk gets to settle back down with the only woman who has power over him.

'Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home'

Though he’s had little experience in the matter, we must site Jim Kirk’s ability to handle rejection. After saving her whales and passively wooing the marine biologist into the 23rd century, Kirk is certain that he has the inside track. But she’s off to get started on 300 years of catch up learning to do. Or so she says but at least we know captain Kirk is no different when it comes to awkwardly trying to save face. “Like they say in your century, I don’t even have your phone number,” he embraces the diss.

She’s quick to let him know that she’ll find him. We don’t miss the irony and neither does Kirk. You can read the long list of forlorn ladies that just flashed before his eyes, and that time has finally caught up to him. But Kirk leads the way for us by not dwelling and readies his dash to the standard bearer that never gets old. “A ship is a ship…” Not quite and he knows it.

"Court Martial"

Areel Shaw has not seen James Kirk in a while. Four years, seven months, and an odd number of days, according to another old friend. “Flattery will get you everywhere,” she seems to suffer no ill effects.

How could there be, but even Jim Kirk has to be discerning about who he takes up with. So the lawyer doesn’t hesitate to lay out her role in Kirk’s impending court-martial proceedings. “Because, Jim Kirk, my dear old love, I am the prosecution, and I have to do my very best to have you slapped down hard. Broken out of the service, in disgrace,” she warns.

Jim Kirk wouldn’t have it any other way. She wasn’t kidding either. “Freeze that! If the court will notice, the log plainly shows the defendant's finger pressing the jettison button. The condition signal reads yellow alert. Not red alert, but simply yellow alert. When the pod containing lieutenant commander Finney was jettisoned, the emergency did not as yet exist,” she fries her old love.

Fortunately, Mr. Spock comes to the rescue and confirms that the Enterprise could never two-time its captain. But anything beyond a dalliance is understood, and Jimbo is appropriately cryptic in response to when the two will meet again. “That depends on the stars,” he gets coy.

Still, Kirk must keep up appearances upon request. “Do you think it would cause a complete breakdown of discipline if a lowly lieutenant kissed a Starship captain on the bridge of his ship,” she pines.

We all know the answer to that. But the Enterprise satisfied, Kirk must still throw a bone to the officer corp before standard operating procedure can resume. “She's a very good lawyer,” he provides segue.

Spock and Bones concur discreetly and all can reassume their positions.

For more of Rich Monetti’s work like his page.

Author can be reached at [email protected]