When Time Stopped

So there I am, walking down the street, minding my own business, earbuds in boppin' to some T Swizzle (Taylor Swift to the layman) and just as I began walking across the road "Schtublam!" A car smacked me right in the kneecap. I thought, 'Fuck this is it, I always thought I would take an edible and get into a fight with that one yoked homeless guy; but no, it’s this old fuck who looks like he’s going to croak tomorrow anyways. He had to take me down with him. Curse you, fate!' Only, I wasn’t dead. In fact, it was like some superhero shit just happened because the car stopped in place. Like seriously, it stopped right at the moment of impact. Maybe Stan Lee over here is just Neo with the breaks, so I kindly flip him off, tell him to go stick a cork in his ass and go about my day. I still need eggs after all. Gotta get a healthy amount of protein to round out my macros, that sorta thing. But, as I come to Cahuenga Blvd., all of the cars were stopped. Not like regular LA traffic stopped with all the yelling and frustration included, but truly stopped, frozen in time. So now I’m starting to think that I did eat an edible and am just losing my mind right now, weed always makes time go by at a snail's pace. But I kid you not, all of the cars, and all of the people inside of the cars were just perfectly still. So I walk up to the edge of the street, still making sure to look both ways mind you, I am a safe citizen, I also looked around for any cop cars. Maybe this is just an elaborate way to catch me with a jaywalking ticket, you never know.

So I get up to this woman’s car, and when I say woman, my god, do I mean WOMAN. She had some badonks like you wouldn’t believe. Plus she looked like she was getting back from the beach so she was still in this skin-tight bikini, Instagram model status. I check her pulse, nothing. I check her… ah… breathing, nothing. So I grab all the cash in her purse, proceed to do this to about twenty cars and skedaddle. I figure whatever Gandalf the Grey shit this is, I better make a couple bucks before it wears off. So I make my way to the nearest bank. Now, I don’t want time to restart while I am in there, so I hatch a plan. I walk into that gorgeous Chase building on Vine and Sunset, the one with the dope fountain, and I walk up to each security guard in the building, I take off their shoelaces, I know it sounds silly just hear me out. I tie their shoelaces around each one of their ankles, then I pull their clothes over their faces. Now, will this ensure that in the situation of the world returning to normal will I get caught? Probably, but at least I’ll get some good ol’ slapstick and a viral YouTube video in my life. So behind the counter I go. Now it became very apparent to me that the only thing I know about banks comes from The Dark Knight. So I am very confused. And so, I left. I figured that with the world being frozen and all, I have much better ways to use my time, how ironic. So I go across the street and up Sunset Blvd a little to my old place of work, Arclight Cinemas.

Now, my time at the Arclight was mediocre at best. We had to deal with rushes of around a thousand people. I mean, I worked at a movie theatre in Hollywood in the middle of summer blockbuster season, so I was boned. Anyways, I was slightly resentful of the place. So, I took to drinking the wine that we served at work. Turn TF up. And, I got away with it for a long time let me tell ya, but eventually, I got caught trying to steal, I shit you not, a whole bottle of wine. Now, while I was definitely in the wrong with the whole thing, I still held a bit of a grudge for the place. And I wanted the sweet, sweet taste of revenge. So I walk into the place, and lo and behold, the manager who fired me was standing in the main lobby. Sweet revenge! I dropped trou and relieved myself. Which brought me to another revelation, even though the world’s frozen my bodily functions still functioned. So I walked up to one of the counters, leaped over that shit like an Olympic hurdle runner, and immediately fell. I had forgotten that on the floor of any theatre concession stand there is always a thin layer of butter on the already slick floor. So I slid ass first into the fucking pretzel machine and busted that shit wide open, hello jalapeno cheddar cheese pretzel. That shit will pair nicely with my movie theatre wine. Wine and cheese baby. Now, I can’t tell you exactly what happened over the next few hours, mostly because, I’m not entirely sure myself.

The next thing I remember is waking up inside of a turned off popcorn warmer covered in kernels and butter. I remember thinking 'This, this is how I would like to die.' So I walk home, the weird part is that the sun was in the exact same place. The same people were standing around. My old manager still had that puddle of urine which was now soaked into his shoes. But what does “now” mean. NOW. It doesn’t mean anything, because now is all that there is. So I go home, wash off the grime of butter and wine and fall asleep.

And I wake up and the birds were chirping again, and the world was back to normal, and all that happened was a Case bank and an Arclight Cinema had some unusual happenstances. Or so I had hoped.