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I have been exploring the realms of spirituality and what it means to me in my life. For the last 30 years, I have been tirelessly trying to follow the paths of Christianity. Being groomed in the churches and the endless repeats of bible verses, I still struggled to find my place in religion. As I continue to grow older, I am left with more questions than answers regarding religion and why was I following the teachings it begot. I didn't know why I was Christian, other than it was what my grandmother was. I had gone to school that foundations were started in the church, it was all that knew.
This year, I, however, decided to get off the religious path, and start to explore my own spirituality. Defining what spirituality means to me and how I tie it to my own life. While understanding what spirituality means and various looks of it, I went through social media and find others who have mirror my beliefs. Seeing what others have and the tools that they use, I had already felt like I was at a disadvantaged. How can I practice my spirituality when I am in an environment that does not suffice in my growth?
Revisiting old activities that I had done as a child into young adulthood, there was a feeling that there was something much more to things that I had done. I had begun to study African religions, in aspirations of getting some understanding of who I am at the very core of my existence. With everything happening in the outside world, I have gone seeking comfort in learning about myself and the ones before me. Seeking knowledge in which I could use later in the world to heal others. Whether through my writing or other avenues, I wanted to heal people and more so; my people. Recalling a time in middle school when I had practice readings with classmates, I had felt the most powerful when I was able to see a trait or a future situation through the lines in a friends hands. At the time, the Wiccan religion in my environment was unheard of and taboo, since a Christian school didn't have room for the "unholy" options to worship. Even more, being "sacrilegious" was held at high regard, and anyone who would demonstrate this would face consequences that would later scar you for life.
Continuing to explore other world religions, I have gotten drawn to various tools in which would later aid in my spiritual growth. Crystals and meditation devices had stirred me, and awaken parts of my past that I had once indulged or dreamt of indulging in. I had started to begin back into my yoga practice, a practice I had started years ago, while living on the west coast in order to not go insane or do something terrible during a manic episode. Scrolling through social media, coincidences had continuously occurred while I look at pages that inspired my path. But. In those pictures, they had failed to show the receipts for the rooms in which they created the path that I had begun exploring.
Comparing those dream "meditation rooms," or going to the yoga class that would be crucial for someone who's practicing at home; money comes up often. How could someone like myself, someone who's not working create the dream environment which will allow growth to occur? In addition, the lack of access to a community of like-minded POC who are what society considers "witches," leaves me left isolated and alone. Meanwhile, already facing external pressures every minute away from home by walking out the door for being black or being a woman. The mental chaos it ensues is enough for someone to go crazy. The lack of respect for my efforts of establishing a routine at home happens with every shoe print on my yoga mat. Or misplaced prayer candle by a family member. Progression on my spiritual path has been difficult, yet I hold onto the faith that each day I see a sign on social media that resonates to my life at the moment are messages from Ancestors that I haven't spoken to ever.
At times, I find myself frustrated that I don't have the very tools that I feel would be necessary yet to find peace in knowing that it will come in time. The very things I would need to strengthen my magic, and get me connected to the higher power are all in the works. Using everyday things around the house to ensure my practice, I had not allowed the reality of being in the hood or being "financially broke" stop me from my practice. Whether I light a white candle to protect my townhouse or concentrate on the incense smoke as I dance around in the living room that I had made my own bedroom; I have taken the steps in my practice to ensure that this is the path that I have chosen to take.
Revealing answers to my questions throughout the day do I hear the inner voices telling me that I'm on the right path. Ignoring and comparing to others who may be at an advantage, yet, I sense my power with interactions I have with people in the struggle. Many times, there will be random people speaking to me about their experiences, when they don't know who I am or the power I am beginning to manifest. While meditating, I silenced the broken energy of the hood while forming a energy that will transcend me out of the broken concrete. Reconsidering everything around me do I allow the judgment of "not having" fall away to now believing that I "have" what I need for the time.