I, IC214, write this piece to everyone who just needs to get away from their job. Whether you are a smuggler, cashier, government official, Jedi, pod racer, or in my case a storm trooper, take a break!
Me and my storm buddies worked tirelessly for the empire for years before we realized how much stress taking over the galaxy put on us. Shooting down rebel scum is a great time, don't get me wrong, but the hours the emperor was giving us were straight up asinine. This guy expects me to work three 24-hour shifts a week! I mean come on, man. After a recent board meeting on Mustafar all I could hear in my head was Natasha Beddingfield singing her beloved lyrics, "release your inhibitions, feel the rain on your skin, no one else can feel it for you only you can let it in." And in that moment I knew it was time for me to convince my squad to meet with the emperor to discuss the terms of our spring break...
After the meeting me and my closest friends IC215, IC216 and IC217 all agreed we needed a break. No trooper has ever asked for a break. No trooper has ever even gone up to the emperor in person. However, we felt our hard work in the battle of Hoth (yeah thats right that was yours truly absolutely working his magic in that AT-AT). We also wanted to make the point that we just lost so many of our dearest friends that were stationed on Death Star 1 when those god damn rebels blew it up. To be perfectly honest we knew none of those troopers, but IC217 has quite a way with words so we are calling his number in that situation. Whatever it takes am I right. So we talked and talked and formulated a plan on what to say to the emperor. We packed our vacation clothes and started our course to the emperor's cruiser.
5 hours later..
We have arrived on the cruiser, we are all sweating bullets under our suits and we are still waiting for IC215 to stop talking to KX512 about last week's bombing raid on a rebel base!
20 minutes later...
It's lunchtime for the emperor's guards. It's go time for the squad. IC218 whispers, "Let's get it gentlemen." We all fist bump and walk into the emperor's master control room. It's very hazy, like I can't see a thing. "Cough cough cough cough."
After having no idea what was going on for a number of minutes, out of the smoke I see the emperor smoking a fat cigar! "Gentlemen!" the Sith lord exclaims. "What can I help you with?"
After a long pause I attempt to speak. "Umm your emperor su-su-sir, we were thinking.... Umm umm..."
"WE NEED A BREAK I MEAN HERE WE ARE BUSTING OUR ASSES FOR YOU DAY IN AND DAY OU-"
He cuts me off and lends out his hand holding the cigar he was smoking, "Take it, pal." In disbelief I look to my friends and back at the emperor. "Take it," he says. So I take it, puff puff pass it to my friends and here we are smoking a cigar with the most powerful man in the galaxy.
"What is that, a Cuban!?" IC217 asks.
The emperor shoots him a sly smirk and tells him, "you bet your ass it is, trooper."
I mean it all made sense now. This guy smokes all the time; that's why his face is so wrinkled and disgusting!
Anyway, the emperor talks to us for a while about how stressed out he is running the empire and how he is worried Vader still has a little light in him and all that jazz. So we bring up the vacation we were planning. He thinks it's a great idea. We told him to get away from it all for a couple of weeks, let Vader run things for a little. This guy immediately packs two of his best black cloaks and tells us he knows just the place. It's where he gets his cuban cigars shipped in from, Miami, Florida of Earth. Yeah this place is way in the outer rim, but we were down to cruise over there in light speed and get our party on!!
We get to Miami, we party, we meet these humans that strangely look exactly like us, we drink, we eat, we LIVE!! After two weeks of partying and shaking it, the emperor gets us together on the last night and tells us, "Hey fellas, I want to thank you for taking this trip with me. This is exactly what I needed. I would like you all to become my new cigar shipment officials since you now know Miami best. Get together and let me take a quick picture of you guys for my Instagram."
We scream with tears of joy knowing we had made it! Grabbing each others arms with sweet embrace, the emperor puts his finger over the camera and...
"FLASH, Bee Bee."
A moment that will last forever.