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The Awakening Diary

A young woman leaves everything behind, following her calling to go back to the natural habitat. 

Voice is Calling....

Date: Unknown

Wake up...the voice was saying in my head. Wake up...wake up, it whispered and then forced me to say it aloud. "Wake up!"

The bright sunlight and the iron patio chair created a beautiful shadow on my carpet. A strange pattern which is unlikely to be noticed by regular eye, took a form of a map. I don't know where it is on the globe but it looks strangely familiar. The place that I need to go to find another sign...or is it my main destination? My home, or a simple walkway to find my home...

I did not look at the clock today. Why do it if we have the light of the day followed by the darkness of the night? Isn't it what nature created? The clock of nature is so precise, so real...that if we never checked the time on our watch or cell phones, we would feel it with using our senses. You can loose yourself by not looking at the clock...Humans created this division of time, to wake up, go to work, have lunch, dinner, sleep - to do it all on time, to plan the day, the future...to live by rules. The laws of time make us think by the clock, not by our emotions. My time lately was only based on how I feel. I wake up when I feel rested, I eat when I feel hungry, I paint when I feel inspired. This had freed me from the future, from the illusion that we chase and that will never be caught. The life is in the present, it is happening now. You cannot plan how you will feel in advance, so why not to just follow the flow, the current of being present in this moment following your emotions?!

Time as we know it is just a planned devised segmented illusion. The time can be changed depending on your state of mind, it can be slowed or fastened, even frozen in times. Sounds strange? You already know this because you already have experienced it while doing something based on your true emotion. When you do something that you love, the time can be manipulated.

"Twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty!"

After counting the number of stars, I was ready to go sleep. Not because it was late but because I felt like it.

"Close your eyes. Listen to the whispers of the stars, they are a part of you, a part that is finally becoming known to you."

The voice has told me a nighttime story in a form of random thoughts and images that appeared in my head when I closed my eyes.

"Tonight I will get the answer. What should I do next?"

I have not planned to write this diary...but it is already written as you read this words that are written by me now, in my present. My present is also your present, which means that it is being written now! It may seem that it is the past, if you think in time of clocks, but not in the matter of time that is individualistic for this moment and can be manipulated. Therefore, this diary is the present which contains the past and the future - all existing in the same time, like the frames of the film.

I was writing this diary in my mind since the day I can remember myself. Now it is ready to be manifested in a material form. It does not have a regular structure, it is not based on a linear timing of the events, but it all exists together, simultaneously. It is an experience that happened and not happened. When I was ready to leave everything behind and align with nature - I decided to experience it all first in my mind. After that, everything changed as I really lived through that story, and the awakening happened! See in it what you need to see, you are a part of it, we all are. It could be you, the reader, writer and the observer, who had attracted that experience, experience that is about to happen and in the same time that has happened already. Now it starts.

"The Sound"

Date: Unknown

"Good morning, sun. Good morning sky, trees, grass, earth, birds..."

"Good morning" - answered a red wild bird as she appeared on the branch of the tree in front of my house. After me being here for some time now, I started understanding the sound of nature as it was a language, the universal language that we all already know. Only here, when you let yourself sink with nature, you can start hearing how the universe is communicating with us, through all its projected physical forms.

The reality seems different now that I am here with nature. It is more real, more colorful, simply perfect as it was created by the higher force, by itself! The "natural reality" - that is how I call it.

The day when I intended to leave that other reality, created by humans, I knew that there is something more real that is waiting for me. Something that is always there, covered by buildings, highways, and other structures - destroyed and manipulated, creating a life of boundaries, conditions and social status. Here, it is real and it is alive!

Date: September 9, 2004

The cold wind entered through an opened window in my room and brought a bright colored leaf as a gift of a new season.

I got to get to work, walk on the cold streets surrounded by gray buildings, which are almost crying out to be repainted in brighter colors. Next to the gray asphalt covered in puddles and dirt from the recent rain, everything seems shadowed. Covered in almost black clouds, the sun is sleeping today. There is nothing exciting about this day, just another ordinary few hours at work, long hour of getting home and maybe one thing, the thought of what does make me happy - my bed!

For the last three months, I have been working on the project, which now has to be redone because someone higher in work level decided so. Three months of work...time, dedication, thinking, creating...turned out to be...not important?!

As I entered the bus crowded with frustrated sleepy people, I looked closely at their faces, trying to find at least one that looked happy. But no, no one was happy in that bus. Then I recalled walking to the bus station and meeting people in the elevator this morning - I didn't see one smile today! And so I saw my reflection in the window and smiled to myself. That gave me a slight relief from the jail of this depressing ambiance.

Date: July 22nd, 2016

"Within the stars that you don't see

There is a secret ever known

And all the questions on the knees

In prayers asked are now for show".

I wrote down the words that I felt like writing. Every time I sit under the shadow of this tree, the thoughts come to my mind in a form of poems. It might be the tree projecting its thoughts through me. Strange feeling at first, but now - more ordinary. In this place everything is alive, everything has its own bright color, everything is talking on its own way, everything is happy!

Here, in the middle of "nowhere" as people call it, is actually the center of everything!

I am not alone here, even being the only human on the radius of 200 miles. I am surrounded by pure life, my new family, or the family that I always had and felt, now reconnected and making me feel like home.

After chatting with a tree, I walked to take a swim in a small lake. I named it Clare because it gives me the feeling of clarity every time I dive in its fresh and clean waters.

Now I am ready to paint. The sun is bright and warm today, and the clouds take all the shapes to assist me in my drawing. We are all painting together, freezing this moment of time to capture the beauty of this beautiful day. Every day is different here. The time is different too. Sometimes it flows slower, sometimes faster, sometimes it feels like it stops. I haven't looked at the clock and the calendar that I brought with me, for a long time now, I lost the track, maybe it has been weeks, or months....or days...- it doesn't matter! The sunrise and the sunset are my clocks. My paintings are the proof that I still exist. That's all I need here. I am as free as I can be.

Date: December 20th, 2004

Four more days. Four more days seems so long now. It's like the time has slowed down as the tempo on the metronome. I don't even remember when was last time that I took a brush, played piano or read a book. Now it is all about finalizing the quarter and running from office to office to sign the papers before the bosses take off for vacation. This year is almost over! Sometimes I think that I could have a different life, do only things that I love, wake up when I want and never set an alarm clock again...Maybe not even look at the time. Time is setting the rules. I don't want to depend on it anymore! Can I ever escape this feeling of dependency?

Date: July 18th, 2016

I am getting closer and closer to nature. I can clearly hear it's voice as the universe is communicating directly to me. I can feel its presence as we are having a tea and chatting like best friends. If this is happening now and it is becoming stronger, the connection is more powerful now. I am starting wondering - can I become one with everything surrounding me? Can I blend with nature and the universe? Something, maybe the sky, the sun or the forest, had whispered the answer: "We were always one, you are just starting remembering!"

Date: December 31st, 2004

Today is the last day of this year. So many things are done, so many projects are completed, so much time is spent. The question is: "Was it even important? And if it was, whom that importance belongs to?"

"Do I feel important that I had completed all these tasks assigned to me?"

I wish I could say yes...It was simply an experience, but nothing from that experience yield any importance to me personally. Now I am celebrating the New Year with my friends, who seem to be happy. But are they really? Or is it just because it is a holiday? Is it because of the time assigned to us that we must be happy on specific occasions? And we are happy...at least we pretend to be because we have to. But who knows what's happening inside of each person in this room.

"Why can't every day be as if it was a holiday?"

I am going to give in today and be happy. Not because of the upcoming New Year, but because - I simply want to be happier!

Date: August 3rd, 2001

The girl with a familiar face was wearing a bright red dress as she graciously moved up the stairs. Everyone around was wearing black clothes. She was a bright spot in that dark dream that I was seeing. She came closer to one of the guys standing by the recital hall. The only thing that distinguishes him from others standing in that big crowd in the hallway, was that he was taller. He was standing with his back facing her. As she came closer, she approached him by putting her hand on his shoulder. He turned around and I saw him. I was the one who was supposed to stand by him. I was the one who should be wearing that red dress in this dream! But strangely enough, he seemed very happy to see her and even lifted her up in his arms. They hugged for a few seconds and their faces, not very clearly seen, had shadows. The kind of shadows that reminded dark paint...

I woke up with the feeling of emptiness and somewhat betrayal. But there were no one to betray and no one to be betrayed for. This man in my dream was just someone that I knew, but never someone that I could love or be with. The alarm went off.

"Why do I always wake up few seconds before you?"- I tried to talk to my alarm clock, and felt as an alarm whispered back to me: "Because you know me!"

As I was getting a ride on a taxi to my university, I tried not to think too much about this dream that I saw.

Today I have to be there to submit my paper that I worked on the entire summer. When I entered through the main entrance of the building, my friend had approached me. We were in the same class and she also had to be there today. As we were walking up the stairs, I remembered my dream and started telling her about it. A strange feeling of "Deja Vu" had suddenly entered my mind. Still on the stairs, I looked up and saw the doorway to the recital hall. By the door there was the man from my dream! He was wearing the black clothes, standing with his back, facing us and reading some announcement hanged on the door. In a minute, something extraordinary happened: that same girl that I saw in my dream, appeared almost out of nowhere. She was wearing a bright red sweater! She came close to him, approached him putting her hand on his shoulder. My friend and I were still standing on the stairs, observing this action.

"You are psychic!" - my friend had whispered to me. We were standing steal as the time had stopped. Waiting to see if he turns around and give her a hug. And he did! Surprised, but in the same time very calm, I started walking again, passing them and knowing that something magical and awkward had happened today. That is the first time when my dream came true in a very precise way. And I knew that there are more to come. There were one thing that bothered me about all of this - was it me predicting the event or did I create it in my sleep?

Date: August 19th, 2016

Seven paintings are complete. This is the experience, the importance of my true emotions, the reflection of my state of being, the time, space and the whole universe talking to me through my art. The seven manifestations of my experience of creating reality. Nothing but joy and love can describe the energy that I put in these paintings. These seven creations are my clock here. My time is measured by my experience. I can control it here.

I was sitting on the edge of a small bridge that I have built myself so I can hang my feet down the lake and feel the fresh chilly water.

Senses here are different too. I can feel every cell of this water interacting with the cells of my feet. I can feel the structure of molecules as it was not water but a blanket that is talking to me through this form. And I can feel how it magnetizing to me, sharing this moment of a warm afternoon in the middle of nature.

"Thank you water", I whispered as I just listened to it telling me all it's secrets.

Tonight I will listen to the whispers of the stars. Tonight is a full moon - the queen of the sky! It will chat about the creation of the world with me. Tonight is a magical night.

Date: May 13th, 2016

Today I had experienced something stronger than just a connection to the source. Something more powerful, more precise, more real. I could more than see it, I could feel it as it was in me. And it was. Our thinking of linear forms is limiting us on understanding the universal truth. The source is actually here, not up there somewhere above us. But since it is hard of the mind to understand this multidimensional connection, it is ok to interpret it in any way, even linear. Most important is to feel it! And where it is coming from or how does this connection occurs visually - is not of any significance.

We are all connected to it, always, anywhere, we simply don't see it or don't remember that we are. As a connection to Wifi. Do we see the wireless connection? But we know that it exists. We know because we experience it when we use the Internet. There is no such thing as believing in the Internet, having faith in it...it just is, it exists and it always existed. It existed even before it was invented and manifested in the form that it is now, the possibility of it already existed, just like everything else. All the inventions that were ever made and will ever be made - already exist.

Same thing with our connection to source - it is always here...most of the people are simply stating offline. They disconnect by their own choice.

Today I connected to my source, the infinite intelligence, space where everything exists, and I downloaded new ideas which I will put it in my painting.

All you need to do is ask as you ask Google, and the universal Internet will deliver all that you are looking for. As easy as that.

I was living by the rules established by society, I listened to others in making my decisions, I read others thoughts to find answers, I listened to the songs, then the voices disappear, then the melody, then the people, buildings around me. Now I hear all the melodies and I see all the views without listening or being there...I found myself living in nature...

It is like switching to eating organic, breathing fresh mountain air. Now I can only be here, it is our natural place to be.

I am here to experience and expand my knowledge in total disconnection from the world. See, I was writing the diary, but now I am living it. I know that soon I might not need words or thoughts, and before it happens, I have to stay in this dimension through my writing - only this will keep me here with you.

Date: April 13th, 2017

Today I found myself here, in the words of my diary. It must be an eternity that I stayed here. I haven't looked in the mirror since my last painting. I used to measure the time by my paintings, but now the time had collapsed! And when there no measurements of time, you become the time. It feels like forever, maybe I am old now, maybe years passed or centuries. I do not feel the time in a linear structure anymore. Now, I can see it all as one thing: the past and the future collapsed into the present. It all exists now, simultaneously. I can come back in time or look into the future, and in this essence, there is the divine connection that is communicating to me. My writing is the only thing left that reminds me of that other dimension that I used to exist in, governed by its rules, the linearity of it - is something that does not influence me anymore. I am now realized and awakened here, in the higher world. I now follow the different rules. It must be backward: by leaving the past dimensional reality of being trapped in the past conditioning, overthinking and hoping for a better future. I had freed myself. Now it is time to leave this diary. It will stay my last reminder of me, who followed the old laws of being. I am slowly vanishing from this reality, and there is no more need to write as everything that can be said and interpreted in anything useful is already done. For those who is reading these words, please know - you are the reasoning behind it. You are the one that created it!

Date: Present Moment

When the breath becomes air, the sound of wind turns into melody, the colors of the sky and grass merge into one, when everything material becomes light...I become nothing and everything at the same time. The blank emptiness is the infinite space of possibilities. I am looking directly at the light, as the mirrors reflect itself infinitely within each other. I am that infinity now. I am on the other side of this reality, more real, more vivid and precise. The observer and the player, the analyzer and the analyzed, the past and the future collapsed into the present. I am a flash that now can take any physical form, that now can appear and disappear anywhere and elsewhere simultaneously. If I want to see my old self, I intend to see myself as I was and as I still am in the lower dimension, I can do it. But what for, when I am everything and everyone now, alive and dead, bright and mellow, multicolored, multi living, multidimensional being?!

I am awake. I am this diary that you are reading now, holding in your hands or from the computer screen. I am your hands and eyes. I am you and you are me. I am who wrote this diary and who is reading it now. I am now, and now...I love you.

The End

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