Complaining About 'Return of the Jedi' the Way People Complain About 'The Last Jedi'

Before we begin the satire article, I want to say that I liked both Return of the Jedi and The Last Jedi. The Last Jedi had some obvious flaws, but it is my opinion that people are overreacting to them. So, what if Return of the Jedi was released to the Star Wars fans of today? Let's take a trip to 1983...

The final installment of the Star Wars trilogy has come out, and I just want to say that A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back were both pretty good, but Return of the Jedi has effectively RUINED ALL OF STAR WARS.

I mean, I just don't get it. I just don't get it. How could Lucas and Lawrence Kasdan have written a script that was SO AWFUL?! This movie was so bad that it was even WORSE than the prequel movie that's coming out about sixteen years from now.

But I bet you're wondering why I HATED Return of the Jedi. And I thought it would be obvious. Let's start from the beginning, where the main characters are saving Han Solo from Jabba the Hutt.

But Luke's plan was to send in Lando in disguise, then send in droids, then send in Leia to free Han, then walk in on his own with no lightsaber, and then wait until he is about to be executed before getting his lightsaber from R2?

This is NOT the intelligent Luke that we saw in the originals. I mean, Luke had some common sense in the first two, didn't he? I cannot believe how much Kasdan and Lucas RUINED Luke's character. Luke has been DESTROYED! And anyone who doesn't agree with me goes in the Sarlacc pit!

Also, speaking of the Sarlacc pit, Boba Fett died when Han hit his jet pack BY ACCIDENT?! That's so dumb! Fett was such a great bounty hunter and bad guy, and they pretty much just WASTED his movie death!

Meanwhile, Jabba enslaves women and he ends up getting killed by Leia, a woman?

OMG, Star Wars needs to cut it out with that feminine crap! I'm tired of this SJW feminist propaganda getting crowbarred into movies! These rabid feminists, they want girls to be good at EVERYTHING in these movies, don't they?

And we had all that buildup for Jabba the Hutt in the past movies. We've known for so long that Han owed money to him, and he just dies?! So stupid!

We also spent WAY too much time in Jabba's palace! I mean, that took too long! All this alien crap and stuff we don't need!

This could have been so much faster without all the musical number stuff from the aliens! How boring! How vile! I wish I could suck out my own eyeballs after watching these long, long minutes of scenes that don't advance the plot! HORRIBLE!!!

And Yoda just dies of old age?! That's it?! We could have had Yoda go and die in battle! And he just dies like that? BORING. ANTICLIMACTIC. OPPOSITE OF EPIC.

There's also the Death Star. AGAIN!

COME ON! Why couldn't they just come up with something better and more dangerous?! This is just A New Hope all over again! Such lazy, bad writing! We could have gone so much farther with this, and we're just getting a rehash of the old Death Star.

And why does the Emperor look so different from the last movie?!

For the record, in the original version of The Empire Strikes Back, they had a different person playing the Emperor, as you saw above. So, you would have complained about this too, admit it.

What the hell were they thinking? OMG, these Lucasfilm FOOLS, thinking that we weren't gonna notice. This was just horrible. Absolutely HORRIBLE!

And there are the Ewoks.

Who thought that these walking teddy bears would be allowed in Star Wars? Not only that, but they take down a bunch of Stormtroopers by being all "cute" and cuddling them to death, while also hitting them with tiny weapons and arrows.

That could not be any more stupid! These Ewoks were too annoying and obviously just a way to sell plush dolls! How could the Stormtroopers of the Empire possibly lose to these things?!

We were also getting some buildup for the Emperor in this movie. But now that he's here, he just sits in a chair and presses some controls!

Like, what?! We also got no information on why he looks like that, who he is, or what his real name is. We got no backstory at all! What a wasted villain! Lazy writing...

And if the whole Jabba's palace scene didn't make Luke seem like an overthinking idiot, then this scene should have COMPLETELY ruined Luke for you.

There's a scene at the end where Luke realizes that Darth Vader could turn Leia to the Dark Side. As a result, Luke FREAKS OUT and starts beating his own father with a lightsaber, and cuts off his hand!

That's not something Luke would do! WTF! They couldn't have butchered Luke's character anymore! Luke would NEVER try to kill his own father like that! It's ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous how much they ruined Luke in this movie.

We grew up rooting for Luke, and now we watch as he cuts off his dad's hand in a rage. Disgusting. Sick. Bad writing! DISGRACE!

But then, all of a sudden, we have lightning.

Come on now. We've never seen anyone use this Force power in the past. Shooting lightning out of your hands?! Stop changing the Force! I mean, no one has done that in the films before, so therefore, it shouldn't exist! So random!

But I want to be fair. Because Return of the Jedi did have its moments. Like, the scene where we see Darth Vader unmasked.

That was a good scene. The film just had its moments.

But think about it – Return of the Jedi? The movie spoiled the ending in the title! How stupid! They couldn't have thought of any better title?! I mean, I was glad when this movie ended.

So, this was just a horrible movie! The WORST thing I've ever seen! Lucas and Kasdan deserve to have their penises ripped off of their bodies for making such a horribly-written movie!

Now, it's 1983, though. If I were, oh, I don't know, living in 2018, I'd be commenting on every possible Facebook post I could find about how bad this movie is. Because I know that if I complain enough, the contents of this film are just gonna change the way I want them to!

Return of the Jedi is just a bad movie with a spoiler in the title, a ruined Luke character, random additions to the Force, annoying creatures, lame scenes, and a ripoff of the first Death Star! F**K THIS MOVIE AND EVERYTHING IT REPRESENTS!!!!! >:O

So, anyways, that's the article. The point I was trying to get across is, if this movie premiered today, people would be reacting to it the way you reacted to The Last Jedi. With undying hate and taking the littlest things and blowing them out of proportion.

I got the idea to write this article after I saw this meme get shared:

But anyways, I hope you guys got a laugh out of the article, and if you didn't like my article, that's okay. You hear? That's fine. See what I'm doing? I'm allowing you to have your own opinion. You should do it once in a while.